Leaving SG...

I wanna to leave SG, leave the fucking place, leave all the stress and unhappiness, leave all the politics and gossips, leave all the loneliness and sadness....!!!! Leave the place forever....

True Person..

One is only true to oneself when U are asleep... that is ur true character... once u are awake... u start to act into different roles in front of different persons.... a gd daughter in front of ur parents... a gd frenz when u are with frenz.... a gd gf to your bf..... a gd employee in the company.... but a person is only true.... when he/she is alone.. and asleep.... that is when thoughts and actions are truly his/her...

Loneliness

I believe I have hurted someone badly even though he just refused to show it to me.... but I got to be frank becoz I really dun wish to drag things any further when we are not meant to be... yes I understand it might be a one sided agrument but dragging things on will just waste further time for him... maybe using this time period.. he might have already be able to move on and find a better partner who can give him happiness rather than sadness, moods and depression... even though it might be a tough process but he has always been strong and I believe soon enough he will be able to stand strong on his feet and find someone who is truly perfect for him who will help him to forget a person like me... It is not easy to be able to give up and forget a 6 yr relationship really.... a relationship that take so much efforts to build... but if this relationship continue.. it is not becoz of love... it is becoz of a word called habit... and this word is not the main ingredient to a long last lasting relationship which enables couples to hold hands to the ages of 80+... we or maybe I am just so used to each other existence.. that I thought without him.. I will seriously just die in my life... some memories just stay in ur head.... they are meant to be there forever.. it will come back to u where ever u go.... and all u can do is just not to think too much abt it really... I am lonely too... although it might not seem that way..but some ppl do sense it underneath my face and I am glad becoz they are the ppl who truly know me.... I am also trying very hard to reconstruct my life... a life with just me and me alone.... a life without someone there to support u.. someone there to share ur unhappiness... someone who cares...someone to laugh with me at my silly jokes... but that is what I choose... a loner's life....

Give Me A Break...

Oh my god.. I think I am really going to go crazy.... I am so sick and tired of people asking me why me and my bf break after such a long time...after such a long relationship.. everyone thought we are a happy couple.... perfect for each other together... but look man.. things sometimes arean't what u see k? There is alot of ingredients needed to be a perfect couple and maintain a long running relationship... so before U reach a stage like mine.. please refrain from giving me any bloody toopidz advice such as "oh couples quarrel very normal one ma.. why do u have to break up??" That is crap lo.. in the first place there wasn't even any quarrels!!!! Or even "Aiyah u all have been together for so long liao.. I am sure u are able to work things out"... fine U make it sound so easy.. U go do it urself k.... some people just think that giving advice is just a fun thing dun they?? If we are not meant to be we are not meant to be..... k?? So stop giving me advice on how to maintain a long lasting relationship, stop asking me to patch up with my bf.... stop telling me that we are a perfect couple and we are meant to be together... I dun need such advices.... I can be perfectly FINE ALONE!!!!!! sO BACK OFF U IDIOTS!!!

New Life, New Beginning..

I know I haven't blog for a very long time..actually not very long.. only a difference of 3 days..but there are some big changes in my life within these 3 days... so now I am too busy reconstructing my life and besides I really dun wish to blog anything at this time of my life.... I have no idea why... just wanna keep some thoughts to myself... thoughts that no one will be able to understand... alot of things happen.... but now life is fine... it carry on as usual.. without any much changes after that.... I got a new wishlist of mine... to try and fill up any empty spaces left behind... I got to try and do as much things as possible in this very limited time..... I really hope God can give me the strength to finish all these without tiredness really...
~Manicure(Done).. i got two piggy on my thumbs now...
~Massage(Done)
~Get a job... (Going to do two jobs if possible .. one office and one at night or maybe 2 shift work)
~Facial
~Finish up my swimming classes soon.. since I am going three times per week
~Take up driving lessons (Postponed)
~Enrol in ACCA Accounting class and start soon.. one subject per sem.. manageable..
~Learn Cantonese (Postponed due to over spending now that my mum is out of job)
~Do more readings... (done done!)

Lagging me...

Yesterday I met up with two very best frenz of mine since secondary sch time.. they are the frenz who hang out with me right after I quitted being with my gang frenz.... and I have to say they are the ones who give me the courage and strength to pull it through..... and even though we haven't been in contact for so so long.. some friendship simply cannout be erased off easily... we chatted like nv before.. sitting at MOS burger from 7 to 10 at night... I have to say I learned alot from them in the past....

I remember in secondary sch.. I was the one who is "more mature" in thinking and social skills... since I mixed around with many ppl from all walks of life and have seen more things in the real world.. but to my surprise.. I realised yesterday that after leaving secondary sch life... and advancing in poly and university... I have now become the lagging one.... the one whose thoughts and thinking still remain at the age of 16 in secondary life... and they indeed have grown up alot in thinking.... how sad... this bird has been in the cage for too long really... so all along I am the one who needed support and advice.... not me to others.... but I guess it is good to realise that when I needed it, there are actually so many ppl around me who is willing to offer it.... but one thing U have to accept is that different ppl have different ideas and opinions and while listening to the good ones, U have to also open ur mind to the bad ones....

I realise fate has been quite unfair to me... sometimes it is not that I dun wanna to control things... but things are just not for me to control... I once loved someone very deeply... since secondary school... coming to abt 8 years and even though he is a poor kid with a very bad lifestyle.. I nv once complained abt it.... at that time when I am in love with him.. he got this very pretty and nice gf for 4 years and they are just such a lovely couple... and I believed at that point of time.. they will be together forever... I knew I got to stay away from him... I wun stand a chance as compared to his gf... I dun wan to be the third party.. soon enough we lost contact... and I moved on to another relationship... but one day I got a call to realise that fate has played a cruel trick on us... by taking away the life of his gf in a unforgiving accident... all hopes of a fairy tale story where the prince and princess live happily ever after was smashed in one day... and as much as I wanna to be the next princess in his life.. it will nv be the same again.. and moreover I already have a committment in my life and not having the strength to break free.. fate decide to bypass us again... in fact we loved each other... and cared for each other but somehow we can nv be together..

Gd acting skills

I am surprised at my own acting skills... I really dun feel like talking to anyone todae... so I switched my mobile to silent mode... dun feel like picking up my phone even though I have to... just in case my parents call or some impt calls.... dun feel like chatting on the phone.... in front of some.. I simply can't be bothered to act like I am in a gd mood and is more than willing to chat on the phone.. but my auntie just called from Malaysia to have a chit chat with me.. and I simply can't show her my moods or unhappiness.. and unwillingness to talk to her.. so I just bluff her that she just woke me up from my slp and continue to laugh and chit chat with her... against my will... the mood analysis test say sometimes situations just dun allow u to bury ur head in the sand and wait for time to go by... how true....

Again another sleepless night..

I think I need to go to the doctor and ask him to prescribe for me some sleeping pills... I have no idea why recently I can't sleep well.... I am very tired yesterday night I know... my eyelids were almost closing down on me as I sat in front of the computer chatting with frenz... and the next thing U noe.. I switched off the lights, on my aircon, lie on the bed and my eyes stay wide open.... so I got up and start reading a chinese novel hoping to get myself real tired so that I can sleep but still the same results... so guess what.. I was awake the whole night.. now my eyes are red and swollen... and puffy... it is really getting on my nerves....

And I realise another thing... recently I have become more or less a loner... not that there is no frenz or anybody around me... just that I dun really feel like talking to anybody... it seems like noone can understand what I am feeling.... and everything they say seems to make me angry and frustered.... I can't find someone who feel the same way as I do... when I am working everyone told me to quit that damn fucking job.. and when I just wanna to take a break for like one or two weeks.. ppl start asking me.. so when are U going to start working... U can't remain jobless forever right? Helloo!!!! Give me a break to lead my own life and decide on my own things k? I dun need such pressure behind me to motivate myself so just kindly leave me alone!! Why does everyone around me like to tell me what to do.... this job gd this job no gd dun apply for it...take this part time course.. this one better for ur future.. earn more money more career prospects.... this guy is nice this guy is not nice..... u shld not go here for a holiday... u shld go there there nicer.... tell this tell that... in order to have a clean break.. u shld do this do that...my mum even better... even tell me what to say.... what the hell is going on... does everybody think I am not capable myself to make decisions on my own.... see.. that is what got me depressed all along.. I dun have a life of my own... I am being maniupulated by ppl around me.... and all along I have been doing things their way in order to please them but now I really dun wish to compromise anymore... this bird just wanna fly out of the cage... regardless or not it will survive in the wild... I have to fly out someday... and learn survival skills on my own... staying in the cage forever wun teach me that....

I went to a fortune teller in a temple back in my mum hometown the other day.... and he said things that hit a spot in my heart... he say I have plans for myself... and I shld go ahead with it.... he say I need to find a quiet place by myself and let noone enter into my life at this point of time becoz there are too much things on my mind.. making me confused.. and if I dun sort out those things.. I will nv find my way out.... I will nv be able to do anything right... as my mind is too full of things... he say however those are small things that I could have sort out years ago but I didn't.. and by delaying those decisions... I have accummulated a lot of thoughts confusing and making me lost my way... he said some things in life U got to let go before U know how much it means to U... it is a test.. but evrything is destined... so if it is meant to be urs.. it will be... if it is not meant to be urs... U can't hold on to it.. he said I have been too sheltered in my whole life... by my parents and many other ppl... which I need to break free off.... he said I make one wrong decision in my life and that caused me alot of problems... and it is time for me to change back time.. he said I was too young... and now it is abit too late for me to try and regain back my true self... as all along I have been too dependant on others and compromising myself to become someone I am not.. and that is why he said I shld find a quiet place by myself and think things through...

All along I admit I do have the habit of delaying decisions and accummulating them.. thinking that things will resolve by fate by itself... it will be solved sooner or later... but I am wrong... he say Fate is in my own hands... and if I dun make the decision.. fate will follow by it... and nv change... I did some thinking at my grandpa's place and I have to agree to that.. I have no idea where to start from really.... all I know is I got to start it somehow sometime... have I really lost my way in the maze of life?

Mood analysis test..

Just took a mood analysis test early in the mrning.. very surprised to find that the results hit the correct spot in my heart.... exactly what I am thinking all along...

You are feeling really miserable at this time and you'd like to form a relationship with someone with whom you could really communicate. At the same time, whoever it may be, that special 'someone' must not conflict with your own belief system or ideals. This makes for tough going - but it would seem that the situation is only transitory. It will soon pass. You are willing to try anything once. You 'need to be needed' and what is perhaps more important you 'need to need.' You can only feel close to a person or persons when you feel you can trust them, but this trust needs to be proven to you. At times all of us would like to be like the ostrich - to be able to bury our heads in the sand and let the rest of the world go by, but unfortunately you can't do just that - you have to face up to reality. A little peace and quiet would be most acceptable at this time but if only one could turn a blind eye to the problems of the day! Tomorrow is another day and who knows, it could be 'today' (not tomorrow) that could be the first day of the rest of your life! You are trying to prove yourself - not only to yourself but also to everyone around you. There is much that you would like to say and do but the situation warrants self-restraint and that is the last thing that you have on your mind. It would seem that you have an unsatisfied need to ally yourself with others whose standards are as high as your own. You want to be different - to stand out from the crowd. This is subjecting you to considerable stress but you tend to stick to your attitudes despite lack of appreciation. Of course, you are finding the situation uncomfortable and would like nothing better but to break away from it but you don't like the idea of compromise. Your main problem is that you are unable to resolve the situation because you continually postpone making the necessary decisions. You feel that if you make the wrong choice this would lead to such opposition that you would not be able to command the esteem of others. It is essential that those around you are prepared to comply with your wishes. You are greatly impressed by individuality and have interest in people who have outstanding qualities. You try to imitate those people that you admire and their characteristics, hoping that you will be able to display similar qualities in your own personality.

(Source:http://www.colorgenics.com/sps/index.cfm)

Crush..

Chatting with my frenz yesterday on Msn.. she and her boyfrenz have been together for like 4 coming to 5 years.. a very gluey couple also... they lived together always meet each other after work and they are practically heads over heels in love with each other.... in fact I always thought their relationship is going to last and soon they will get married since they are already more or less staying together.. but yesterday my gerfrenz msg me to tell me that she is in love with someone else... and she dunno if she shld break up with her bf considering that he will be damn upset and that he has always treat her fairly well.. thirdly she is also scared that the new love of her life may not be up to her expectations and maybe not even half as gd as her current bf... that was exactly what I went through a couple of times...

But one thing different.. I wouldn't say that I am in LOVE with someone else becoz for all u noe.. it may just be a temporary crush.... the significant thing between a crush and love is that for now with the current knowledge of ur crush.. U may think that he will be the best bf in the world.. but when U really go steady with him.. U will realise that U in fact dun even like him at all.. both of ur characters can't even match... a crush will always be better in the position of frenz than steads... becoz as steads it wun last... but as frenz U can say forever... he may understand U, may treat U well or even much better than ur bf... he may have certain strengths that ur bf can never compare up to... but still U will get scared at the idea that one day if both of u are steads.. what will actually happen..? But as a bf everything just happen naturally... from frenz straight to love... and by the way a crush can also be a one sided affair.... that will nv develop...

I do have a crush now on someone who I will never imagine myself with... even though there are alot of things that we are similiar in... like the things we eat, the things we like... U know sometimes it is really surprising and amazing how two different peoples with totally different characters and personality and backgrounds can like the same things..... same song, same food... OMG... but our characters are far apart... and being together will mean there will be a lot of compromises to be made.... but I like him being a gentleman... he knows how to treat and pamper a ger well... but I can say my crush is a one sided affair becoz I am nv the type of ger that he will go for... haha... the first thing is eekks... I think I am simply crazy to have a crush on him... kaos... when did my taste become so extreme.. haha... but anyway I am sure it will pass... there can only be one love of ur life but there can be many many crushes going through in your life... some crushes do develop into the love of ur life but... let leave everything to fate and destiny... if we are fated to be together... we will be...

Love or Infatuation?

I saw this article on the Internet... very meaningful to me... becoz alot of my frenz including me are still searching for the significant difference between love and infatuation?? I guess we can never actually understand it..

Are you in Love or is it just Infatuation?

Mon, 14 Feb 2005 10:46 PM

Lust, simply is Infatuation. It is purely physical attraction. Friendship that develops into desire for each other is Love. Infatuation is like those fast food packages, which you get in the market. It looks oh-so-delicious but has little nutrition value. Love is like homegrown, homemade food... which you take care right from the time it grows on your farm and then go all the way. You have your emotions, feelings and caring nurturing it every day.

Love is the mature acceptance of imperfection. Do you know all his/her shortcomings and still find him/her attractive emotionally, intellectually, and physically? Nobody's perfect, we are all humans not Gods; but of course you don't have to accept everything...we are all different people with different expectations...there are a few adjustments you can make and some you simply cant!

When you are truly in love, long distances do make you want to be near each other but that doesn't lessen your love for each other. Infatuation on the other hand makes you look for some other excitement in place of the one you have. Infatuation lacks confidence. When he/she is away, you doubt if he's cheating. Sometimes you even play the detective and check! Love is trust. You feel calm, secure and so sure of yourself. Both of you feel that trust and it makes you respect and love each other even more than ever.

Love grows from friendship. You are friends and then you become lovers. Infatuation might lead you to do things you'll regret later, but remember love never will.Love makes you look and think up. It makes you want to be a better person than you are now. So, think about it...are you truly in love or is it just a momentary crush?

(Source: aasma.com/posts.php?post=37 )

First day of freedom...

Yesterday was my last day of work... so I went to settle all my things and paperwork and handed over the keys to my store manager Mark... everybody was sad.. I am sad too.. but what to do?? Then rushed back home to change... and back to the shop again.... becoz all my staffs held a farewell party for me... in the midst of spring cleaning... ordered pizza delivery and I brought a cake... took photos continously with everyone of them.... laughed chatted... surprised that some store managers from other outlets specially came down to say all the best to me... and wished me luck.. so touched... then me and Mark we went over to RC becoz my ex store manager Lawrence needed help with his spring cleaning... as usual even though it is my last day.. I volunteered to help becoz I just feel bad if I dun... anyway.. helped him until abt 4 coming to 5+ in the mrning...chatted abt alot of things which is gd.. hehe.. can't bear to leave my collegues, my staffs, people from the HQ and also some of my regular customers but relieved of the burden and stress at the same time... then me and Law met up with other store managers from Funan and Citylink and we went for supper together... hehe...

There is alot of things that I want to do now...
1. Haircut (Done)
2. Manicure & pedicure
3. Full body massage (Done)
4. Clean up my room (Done)
5. Buy new skirts, shirts and slippers
6. Get 2 new hamsters & their accessories
7. Go Tioman for a one week holiday
8. Finish up my swimming classes
9. Sign up for a diploma in Accounting
10. Find a new job
11. Take up Cantonese lessons
11. Go facial

Frustrating....

I have no idea why I seem to receive more calls after work than any of the other assistant managers or even store managers..... I dun remember a clause in my contract saying that I am on 24 hours standby and why the fuck do they keep on calling me? Cannot find things call me, wanna take order call me, wanna change coins call me, dunno how to do payroll call me... ask for staffs also call me.... fucking hell.. how big can the shop be... can't U go and find it urself.. I am terribly sure U can surely find the things in one silly corner.... dun mention that I only got about 8 chillers in my shop...dun they have anybody else to call except for me... I am not even the store manager somemore.. why can't they choose someone with higher authority to ask?? As if I know everything on earth... other shops wanna ask for people numbers also call me..... sooner or later I am going to flare up and ask all bloody idiots to fuck off... seriously... stop calling my HP especially while I AM ASLEEP..!! Probably forgetting about the long holidays... they nv standby enough notes for me this mrning and I got to go and beg from others... just to cover over someone's ass...

I made a couple of mistakes today...
1. I shldn't have collected my cake todae... ppl just dun deserve it
2. I shldn't have stay back and helped to clean up the shop... when it is flooding becoz it just give ppl the chance to do lesser work and enjoy more....
3. I shldn't have ask my bf to pick up and deliver the cake by 12+ at the time when my shop is flooding like crazy
4. I shldn't have ask him to wait for me to go off work... becoz he got nothing better to do.. other than piss me off by rushing me to go off work everytime he walk back into the shop... when I got a hillstack of things waiting for me to do...
5. I shldn't have gotten angry at him... for picking me off work and waiting abt 5 hrs...
6. I shldn't have stress and make myself angry becoz of some toopidz idiot... on my second last day of work.. becoz he is simply not worth the effort... I have nv seen someone as crappy as him... he got 5 staffs working for him but the entire shift is like shit... 2 mgrs doing tarts together.. so what if U got no baker.. hello..?? I survived thru with no baker what makes U think U as a guy U can't make it..?? ... I am only so glad I left the shop and the toopidz company....

Sometimes I really feel sorrie for my bf.... he is always standing at the front firing line... and he simply have no idea how to handle my moods and anger... I was tired and sleepy today on my way home... due to a sleepless night before... and he just kept quiet... all he need to do is to give me a hug before I start sobbing... is it really so difficult..?? Maybe I deserve to be alone... since I also can't understand my own temper...

Verge of breakdown

I think I am on a verge of a serious nervous breakdown.. so serious that even sitting in front of the computer staring at my wallpaper plus scrrensaver can make me cry.... tears falling down my cheeks... dun ask me why.. becoz I dun even know it myself.. I have no idea why my mood suddenly change from gd to bad within a difference of one day... one day I am happily enjoying myself at Jurong Bird Park and the other day from then on.. bad weather all the way... previous few days I have too much things on my mind.. but I tried not to think abt it... I tried to keep my brains blank... it is now in a state of blankness... yet I am still upset and depressed... I am not thinking abt anything at all.. trust me... seriously I dunno why is wrong with me..... there are things that I need to rethink abt my life but for the moment I am not thinking abt them at all.... noone can help me in this except me myself... I just wish to be alone too.... maybe a few days later things will pass.. I noe thoughts snowball... and nothing seems to go well when U are in a down mood.. exactly what is happening to me.. but I have no strength psysically and mentally to stop it... or maybe I am just too lz...

Rethinking life...

Seriously rethinking and reconstructing my life... there is just something very much wrong with it... I have everything a ger would want and ask for but I am not happy.. there is just something lacking in my life that is not giving me the happiness that I badly need.... but what is it? It is not that I am not satisfied with my life.. I am very satisfied with it.. but I am not happy?? Being satisfied and being happy in my life is just two very different things that U can't mix them together... even though ppl say U are not satisfied... U are greedy and that is why U dun treasure the present and still ask for more... and that is why U are not happy... maybe humans in life just keep on pursuing things continously that they simply ignore the present... and when that happens, u forever think something is lacking... and u continue to ur endless search for it...

I am not happy becoz I have no money, no shelter, no food, no love, no achievements... in fact I have them all... money doesn't play an impt role in my life anyway... I am proud of my own achievements... I have all the basic items in life... I have achieved a high enough education qualifications, I have done a job that give me a great sense of responsibility and achievement which ppl have high expectations of me to succeed in... ppl recognise in me my strengths and my achievements.. but there is something else.... I need a life I guess... my own life...

Frankly speaking.. I am like a bird in a cage for too long... I have become too dependant on others.. on my parents, on my frenz and on my bf that I no longer live life for myself... in fact even if u take off my chains and set me free from the cage, I dunno how to survive in the real world and will soon die... yet it seems like there is no point for me walking out of the cage that I have been so used to... since they are both the same... inside the cage I have everything but I long for a free life outside... but when I get the free life, I can't survive even for one day... i will die of loneliness... now I know how scary loneliness can be... and I scare to be alone... with noone to turn to... and that is the reason why even without chains.. until now I still do not dare to fly out of my cage... maybe u can say I have been too sheltered in my life.. by my parents and bf... now come to think of it.. it is true... ppl always see me as a independant ger who can well take care of myself...

admit it.. I am just a pathetic dependant ger who rely on others for support, help, care and concern and is terribly scared of loneliness... dun ask me where is that strong cheerful independant and happy go lucky me.. that is just a false front all along...

Brand New Life

Sometimes I really wish I can just give up my life in Singapore, move to some island paradise near the beach where noone know me and start a brand new life over again... maybe this way I can find the real me... maybe this way I can make new frenz who identify with the true Christina.... this way I dun have to compromise myself anymore... to be what I don't think I am... maybe this way I will be happier than now... when I am compromising myself to please everyone around me....

I have a complicated history but without those I will nv be who I am now... I have been bad once... smoke, take drugs.. (only once as a trial), fight, participate in gangs and illegal gatherings.... a very rebellious me who is completely unfilial to my parents... who talk back at them and even fight back... who totally dun listen to anyone's advice.. but I have changed for the better.... I have come to my senses... and those experiences have taught me how to become a better person... and now I respect my parents and eldery seniors even more...

A fortune teller once told me... my entire life.. I will always be taking care of ppl... but ppl seldom take care of me... and I will have alot of peach blossoms (tao hua) in my life.. which is true.. I am not pretty, have no figure.. but there are alot of memorable relationships in my life until now... 3 most significant... one when I was abt 15... with this guy called HuiQiang.. frankly.. I believe I am seriously in love with him at that point of time... it is a very draggy relationship... break and patch for many times in 3 yrs... also the first guy that I brought to show my parents.. which shows how important he is in my heart.. even though I dun think he feel the same way for me too... the first guy who gotten beaten up for me.. and the first guy that I got beaten up for... damn funni thinking back.. but even until now.. I still hope to be able to meet up with him one day... just to know what have he been doing nowadays.. still living a rotten lifestyle or maybe he has also changed for the better after coming out from boys' home. I dated a guy named Eugene who is 29yrs old when I am abt 19... older than me by 10 yrs old... he got along great with my parents surprisingly... but the relationship was short.. only lasted for 2 weeks... although we maintained contact after that... I remembered when he broke up with me for no reasons at all... my mum hugged me and cried with me.... all along I know he is nv serious with me anyway... then there was this guy called Eric.. who I dated and worked with in Canto for abt half a yr... he took great care of me.. and my relationship with him was the very first long steady relationship that lasted over a yr... his mum liked me alot.. always ask me to go over and cook nice food for me.. she know what I like to eat.. and for a period of time.. I stayed over every night... but I really dunno why I liked him and how the relationship can be managed for so long.. looking back he is totally not the guy I would ever dreamt myself to be with... then come Adrian.. my current bf.. we used to be so close at the beginning really... I missed those times but as years flies by.. things started changing.. maybe I am the only one that changes... or as we start to find out more about each other's personality and more importantly faults.. that is why the relationship starts to go downslope... it can nv be the same can it?

Gd Start, Bad Ending..

My day started off gd todae.. but it ended real bad... My staff got a big cut from breaking a glass... in the end have to go hospital for stitches... dun ask me how she got that toopidz big cut that bleed nonstop... and in the end I got to write a report on what happened... and have to submit a claim for 200+ medical expenses... damn it...even I myself also dunno how she manage to do so... and this incident just simply put me in a foul mood for the rest of the days... becoz when one thing go wrong.. everything follows... and that is exactly what happen.. whatever my bf say.. simply pissed me off... so I say when I am in a bad mood.. just leave me alone... in fact he nv even say anything... he is just a bit too lagging and took such a long time to understand what I am saying.... somehow he nv understand anyway.... maybe my moods just change too fast like the weather or my personality and character is just too hard to keep track.... maybe I am better off alone by myself....... at least I just piss myself off.... and get myself all angry and frustered.... since noone can ever understand how I feel and what I do.... what I wanna hear and what I wanna do... maybe this way my life will work out easily too... becoz in fact I dun even understand myyself.. how do I expect others to understand me...?? not even my bf does.. forget abt the rest... noone do....

There are too much things on my mind now... my grandpa's illness, my mum who is getting herself sick and all worried about my grandpa... my work, my love life, my sickness etc... U noe what.. I think I noe what I wanna and what I need to do.. but I dun have the courage to do so... my family is a burden that I will have to carry no matter what.... I have to be strong for the sake of supporting the whole family.. I can't collapse becoz everyone might just crumble along with me..... especially for my mum.... I wanna spend more time with my grandpa... it hurts me to see him suffering due to the illness... it hurts to see that noone is willing to take care of him... as everyone is so busy with their own work and family committments.... it is sad when U have so many daughters and sons.... so many son in laws and daughter in laws.. so many grandchildrens but yet... so little ppl are truly by his side... so little ppl truly express their worries and concerns for him.... i gotten handover to mark.. and try and ensure everything will be alright in the store after I leave... and am very worried on how to break the news to the staffs... just two of them noe abt it now and they are already so very the upset abt it.. I really dunno abt the rest... maybe on my last day I will just end up crying and not bearing to leave the shop that I have grown to love and hate at the same time...

My love life.. what can I say..? It is true humans are nv and will nv be satisfied but am I really asking too much..? All I need is someone who cares for me.. who pamper me like a princess... who is always there for me whether I need him or not... someone who I can show the soft side of me and let my strong side take a rest... but I can't... to him I am always that independant ger that he promise to give freedom to..

Missing Some1

My fav grandpa is lying on a hospital bed in KL now.. and I can't go and visit him... I can't go on leave... which is a sad thing but what to do... I am so sad that I went to the seaside yesterday and cried myself out... drink and cried... Dun feel like talking much to anyone these few days.... just feel like enclosing myself in my own world.. maybe this way I wun be hurt... by how cruel this world is.... maybe this way I will nv realise how hurt and painful I feel... Dun even feel like thinking about anything... becoz pure thinking about anything makes me feel like crying...... I wanna make myself numb.... dun feel anything at all.. which is working I guess.. becoz I cutted and burned myself seriously on my hand and finger today and I didnt realise the pain until many hours later... when I saw the big red swollen patch on my hand...

I seriously missed someone.. a very gd frenz of me.. who I nv spoke to for a long time.......... he didn't play a big role in my part... he is not someone who I go to when I have problems or troubles to speak to... not someone whose shoulders I would wanna cry on... not someone special who I can't live without.... maybe he dun even treat me as a gd frenz.. maybe just someone passing thru his life... but I missed him.... I missed the small roles that he played in my life... the times that we spent together supporting and encouraging each other thru studies....

Maybe I am feeling especially lonely late in the night.... listening to a sad song... thinking about my grandpa.... how many people really know abt the true me... the determinded and strong independant ger actually do have a soft side.... a side of me that will feel lonely, that need someone to pamper her... to hug her.. to encourage and support her,.. to talk to... sometimes all I need is some1 to hug me and tell me everything is alright.... but why am I always the one to do so... and noone to do it to me... does anyone care or everyone think I can very well take care of myself... I am a GER.. does anyone realise that fact?

New Beginning..

I am going to lose my job soon.. but I know I will be very much happier than before...Just thinking about it make me smile... one of my new year resolution is not to make any compromises to my life this year... and I believe I have achieved my first very step in achieving that resolution... in stepping out... I will make myself more happier...

All along I have always compromise myself to help others... in the end making myself unhappy. I stayed behind in work to help others in need... which means I need to work longer hours... ppl might think hey U dun need to do that.. yah I am toopidz and that is why I am unhappy.... that is why I am so depressed and stressful.. but I will soon be walking out of it.. and moving on to a new pharse of my life.. which I can;t wait...

There are so many things out there that I want to achieve..... doing more research and coming out with more research articles... continuing with my masters or at least branch out to other areas.. in fact I am thinking of doing a diploma on sport and wellness.. or a leadership course... hehe... I have always wanna to do that when I was young... but nv went ahead to do so because there wasn't any future in such careers... finished my swimming courses.... U noe in life it is not money that matters the most but what U wanna to achieve... What U wannna in ur life... and what makes u happy... the most impt thing is to stay happy... isn't it? I have learned that forcing myself to pursue something just for the sake of money doesn't bring any happiness... U got to do something that U like... Although I am still looking for the ultimate perfect lifestyle.. I believe I will achieve it one day... maybe not in Sg but in OZ.. hehe... there are endless opportunities for me to explore out there... and I can't wait to do so... take up courses and continue my endless quest for knowledge and education.. hehe

Why can't I leave??

I simply simply hate it.. I met a nasty customer on Fri at one of the store.. who bloody hell wrote a 2 page email to my HQ to complain about my rude and disrespectful service.. when it seems that he is the only one that say so... but anyway.. he complain over a cup of coffee for $2.80... oh come on.. ang mohs exprats surely can afford much more than a $2.80 coffee right? He say he is a senior mgr of a airline company somemore.. if U noe how tough the service line is U dun do such crappy things against ppl in the same industry... wanna buy one coffee get one coffee free... go knock ur toopidz donkey head against the wall la..

Anyway I am so fed up... I wanna resign... I am so sick and tired of the F&B industry as much as I used to like it in the past... but the company just wun let me go.... kaos... I wanna go for a one week holiday.. a proper holiday this time.. bring a whole library of books to the beach... and read and slp the whole day thru for one week. I can't wait... and I am very determined this time to get out of this company......... not becoz the company is not gd.. but the customers are damn fucked up... and I think I have reached the end of my limits... shldnt compromise myself anymore... before one day I will throw a knife at a customer and chop him or her into pieces...

Anyway... I would be updating my blog soon... getting quite tired of the colour... and design... and I add a new tagboard.. which I dun think many ppl realise that anyway.. becoz it is hidden at the bottom.. no choice.. I got no where else to put it.. so slot it there for the meantime la... so come on ppl chat to me.. I am so lonely and bored talking to a computer everyday le..