My fav grandpa is lying on a hospital bed in KL now.. and I can't go and visit him... I can't go on leave... which is a sad thing but what to do... I am so sad that I went to the seaside yesterday and cried myself out... drink and cried... Dun feel like talking much to anyone these few days.... just feel like enclosing myself in my own world.. maybe this way I wun be hurt... by how cruel this world is.... maybe this way I will nv realise how hurt and painful I feel... Dun even feel like thinking about anything... becoz pure thinking about anything makes me feel like crying...... I wanna make myself numb.... dun feel anything at all.. which is working I guess.. becoz I cutted and burned myself seriously on my hand and finger today and I didnt realise the pain until many hours later... when I saw the big red swollen patch on my hand...
I seriously missed someone.. a very gd frenz of me.. who I nv spoke to for a long time.......... he didn't play a big role in my part... he is not someone who I go to when I have problems or troubles to speak to... not someone whose shoulders I would wanna cry on... not someone special who I can't live without.... maybe he dun even treat me as a gd frenz.. maybe just someone passing thru his life... but I missed him.... I missed the small roles that he played in my life... the times that we spent together supporting and encouraging each other thru studies....
Maybe I am feeling especially lonely late in the night.... listening to a sad song... thinking about my grandpa.... how many people really know abt the true me... the determinded and strong independant ger actually do have a soft side.... a side of me that will feel lonely, that need someone to pamper her... to hug her.. to encourage and support her,.. to talk to... sometimes all I need is some1 to hug me and tell me everything is alright.... but why am I always the one to do so... and noone to do it to me... does anyone care or everyone think I can very well take care of myself... I am a GER.. does anyone realise that fact?
