I think I need to go to the doctor and ask him to prescribe for me some sleeping pills... I have no idea why recently I can't sleep well.... I am very tired yesterday night I know... my eyelids were almost closing down on me as I sat in front of the computer chatting with frenz... and the next thing U noe.. I switched off the lights, on my aircon, lie on the bed and my eyes stay wide open.... so I got up and start reading a chinese novel hoping to get myself real tired so that I can sleep but still the same results... so guess what.. I was awake the whole night.. now my eyes are red and swollen... and puffy... it is really getting on my nerves....
And I realise another thing... recently I have become more or less a loner... not that there is no frenz or anybody around me... just that I dun really feel like talking to anybody... it seems like noone can understand what I am feeling.... and everything they say seems to make me angry and frustered.... I can't find someone who feel the same way as I do... when I am working everyone told me to quit that damn fucking job.. and when I just wanna to take a break for like one or two weeks.. ppl start asking me.. so when are U going to start working... U can't remain jobless forever right? Helloo!!!! Give me a break to lead my own life and decide on my own things k? I dun need such pressure behind me to motivate myself so just kindly leave me alone!! Why does everyone around me like to tell me what to do.... this job gd this job no gd dun apply for it...take this part time course.. this one better for ur future.. earn more money more career prospects.... this guy is nice this guy is not nice..... u shld not go here for a holiday... u shld go there there nicer.... tell this tell that... in order to have a clean break.. u shld do this do that...my mum even better... even tell me what to say.... what the hell is going on... does everybody think I am not capable myself to make decisions on my own.... see.. that is what got me depressed all along.. I dun have a life of my own... I am being maniupulated by ppl around me.... and all along I have been doing things their way in order to please them but now I really dun wish to compromise anymore... this bird just wanna fly out of the cage... regardless or not it will survive in the wild... I have to fly out someday... and learn survival skills on my own... staying in the cage forever wun teach me that....
I went to a fortune teller in a temple back in my mum hometown the other day.... and he said things that hit a spot in my heart... he say I have plans for myself... and I shld go ahead with it.... he say I need to find a quiet place by myself and let noone enter into my life at this point of time becoz there are too much things on my mind.. making me confused.. and if I dun sort out those things.. I will nv find my way out.... I will nv be able to do anything right... as my mind is too full of things... he say however those are small things that I could have sort out years ago but I didn't.. and by delaying those decisions... I have accummulated a lot of thoughts confusing and making me lost my way... he said some things in life U got to let go before U know how much it means to U... it is a test.. but evrything is destined... so if it is meant to be urs.. it will be... if it is not meant to be urs... U can't hold on to it.. he said I have been too sheltered in my whole life... by my parents and many other ppl... which I need to break free off.... he said I make one wrong decision in my life and that caused me alot of problems... and it is time for me to change back time.. he said I was too young... and now it is abit too late for me to try and regain back my true self... as all along I have been too dependant on others and compromising myself to become someone I am not.. and that is why he said I shld find a quiet place by myself and think things through...
All along I admit I do have the habit of delaying decisions and accummulating them.. thinking that things will resolve by fate by itself... it will be solved sooner or later... but I am wrong... he say Fate is in my own hands... and if I dun make the decision.. fate will follow by it... and nv change... I did some thinking at my grandpa's place and I have to agree to that.. I have no idea where to start from really.... all I know is I got to start it somehow sometime... have I really lost my way in the maze of life?
