I realise myself getting more and more moody day by day.. frenz around me say I lack of love... fucking hell who need that? I dun even have enough time for myself and family dun say a relationship for love... I dun even have enough time for myself to sleep... I dun even have enough time to sit down for a proper dinner with my family and go swimming or KTV with my mum... except for today.. because at 6.30pm sharp I stopped everything that I am doing, packed my stuffs and came back home.. although knowing at the back of my brain that I have tons of things undone... for me to continue on tomolo.. but what to do.. MUM say die die must reach hme before 7.30pm today for dinner because it has been a long time since I have dinner at home with the whole family together on the same table..
But I am lagging way behind the deadline.. got another 11 days to go and I still got another 2000+ students' names to check and register them for the upcoming examination... I can't believe I only checked less than 100 students today.. only part time students for diploma... crap.. considering that I sat in front of the computer the entire day today from 8.30 to 6.30pm only leaving it for a few 5min toilet break.. arghh I am in deep shit.. but nvm.. I wun bloody give up until the last min.. but I bet I got to work through Sat and Sun liao lo.. haha... to think that MUM say dun ever dare to bring work home.. haha..
I am jealous to see my collegues happily in love.. I really dun understand how did they manage to do so... maintain a relationship with bf, family and yet still have time for themselves... but one thing I know they always leave on time no matter have or dun have work.. haha I can nv do that... one of my frenz just found a gf.. I am happy for him of coz considering that someone want him as their bf.. but on the other hand.. upset... what to do
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
Sunday, June 26, 2005
Calming down..
Ok.. after calming down.. and talking out things... feel better liao.. just too angry and agitated just now.. haha...
Woke up today at 9am to prepare breakfast for my daddy and mummy... my daddy was very surprised to see me walk out of my room at 9am in the morning.. usually you won't get to see my face before 11am in the morning on my rest day.. Haha.. anyway went to Cold Storage yesterday to buy all the stuffs needed to prepare a typical Aussie breakfast with scrambled eggs, garlic bread, sausages, bacons, honey baked ham and grilled tomatoes today and I make pineapple cheese toast.. Nice... haha.. last time in Australia at Gold Coast I can always manage to wake up early in the morning for the Aussie breakfast I have no idea why... my Favourite until now.. yummy.. but in SG I rather cook it myself then to go out early to the foodcourt or coffee shop and eat out although they do sell it somewhere... anyway my family seldom get to see me cook.. haha.. I usually just cook things I want and love to eat.. and when my cravings come to the better of me.. then no choice I will decide to step into the kitchen and whip up those dishes like celery pasta, korean bbq meat and cabbage rolls.. haha.. ppl usually dunno I can cook.. unless those people who stay with me in Aussie before.. haha.. anyway I am going out later to get some National funpacks that I won.. Haha.. I have no idea what it is.. but anyway it is not the national day tickets which my mum wanted.. haha... starting work tomolo.. sianz...
Anyway I saw a news article today on this crippled guy who participated in various disabled sports around the world for charity purposes... I cried... I suddenly feel so inferior to him.. he is disabled yet he went on to prove to people that he still can do many things in life which ppl thought he can't do.. he still manage to remain positive in his life... he never give up on himself before... He started out as a normal child but an illness caused him to be disabled for life.. his parents wanted him to be like any normal child.. try to get him to normal school.. they sent him to a kindergarden but he got bullied by other kids and trying to stand up for himself only manage to get him kicked out of the school.. went to primary school.. his sis and mum got to carry him around in school and he got laughed by the kids in school too but he continue to prove himself through his results and continued on to university... when I came out from the operation and hospital after one month.. I faced the same situation in primary school especially when my mum walked around with me to and from school, from classes to classes carrying my bag for me.. I got bullied by my school mates... the entire school treat me like an alien. Luckily for me things got better from Primary 6 onwards..
This guy can't use his legs but he know how to swim... and to think that I have legs to swim but I don't want to learn swimming all along because I don't dare to wear a swimsuit which show my deformed body figure...I am scared of how ppl around the swimming pool will look at me.. how silly... and useless of me... anyway I am even more determined to learn swimming now... no matter how much water I swallow in the process... Haha.. I can swim half the pool now... haha... yippess... after learning how to swim, one day I am going to climb to the base camp of Nepal Mt Everest. I know I wun have the ability to climb to the tip of Mt Everest and I don't dare to risk my life in doing so... as much as I love to... Base camp is good enough... I think some frenz who know my adventurous side of me will know my Mt Everest base camp dream and how much I love mountain hiking and trekking...simply love rough terrain... haha
Woke up today at 9am to prepare breakfast for my daddy and mummy... my daddy was very surprised to see me walk out of my room at 9am in the morning.. usually you won't get to see my face before 11am in the morning on my rest day.. Haha.. anyway went to Cold Storage yesterday to buy all the stuffs needed to prepare a typical Aussie breakfast with scrambled eggs, garlic bread, sausages, bacons, honey baked ham and grilled tomatoes today and I make pineapple cheese toast.. Nice... haha.. last time in Australia at Gold Coast I can always manage to wake up early in the morning for the Aussie breakfast I have no idea why... my Favourite until now.. yummy.. but in SG I rather cook it myself then to go out early to the foodcourt or coffee shop and eat out although they do sell it somewhere... anyway my family seldom get to see me cook.. haha.. I usually just cook things I want and love to eat.. and when my cravings come to the better of me.. then no choice I will decide to step into the kitchen and whip up those dishes like celery pasta, korean bbq meat and cabbage rolls.. haha.. ppl usually dunno I can cook.. unless those people who stay with me in Aussie before.. haha.. anyway I am going out later to get some National funpacks that I won.. Haha.. I have no idea what it is.. but anyway it is not the national day tickets which my mum wanted.. haha... starting work tomolo.. sianz...
Anyway I saw a news article today on this crippled guy who participated in various disabled sports around the world for charity purposes... I cried... I suddenly feel so inferior to him.. he is disabled yet he went on to prove to people that he still can do many things in life which ppl thought he can't do.. he still manage to remain positive in his life... he never give up on himself before... He started out as a normal child but an illness caused him to be disabled for life.. his parents wanted him to be like any normal child.. try to get him to normal school.. they sent him to a kindergarden but he got bullied by other kids and trying to stand up for himself only manage to get him kicked out of the school.. went to primary school.. his sis and mum got to carry him around in school and he got laughed by the kids in school too but he continue to prove himself through his results and continued on to university... when I came out from the operation and hospital after one month.. I faced the same situation in primary school especially when my mum walked around with me to and from school, from classes to classes carrying my bag for me.. I got bullied by my school mates... the entire school treat me like an alien. Luckily for me things got better from Primary 6 onwards..
This guy can't use his legs but he know how to swim... and to think that I have legs to swim but I don't want to learn swimming all along because I don't dare to wear a swimsuit which show my deformed body figure...I am scared of how ppl around the swimming pool will look at me.. how silly... and useless of me... anyway I am even more determined to learn swimming now... no matter how much water I swallow in the process... Haha.. I can swim half the pool now... haha... yippess... after learning how to swim, one day I am going to climb to the base camp of Nepal Mt Everest. I know I wun have the ability to climb to the tip of Mt Everest and I don't dare to risk my life in doing so... as much as I love to... Base camp is good enough... I think some frenz who know my adventurous side of me will know my Mt Everest base camp dream and how much I love mountain hiking and trekking...simply love rough terrain... haha
Comments on my blog..
Ok... the blog is just to clarify something to whoever out there who are reading my blog. Those who are very close with me will know that I am a very straightforward kind of person... I dare to make frenz and I dare to choose who to be my frenz and I dare to say what I think... In the very first place this blog is a place for me to write down my true feelings, my true thoughts and my true ideas... If you get offended by whatever I wrote on my blog... FINE.. just dun read it k? It is just so simple.. if you don't like what I am writing on my blog what for you read it in the beginning?? I dun welcome ppl who want to read my blog and yet get offended by whatever I write. Don't come up to tell me that this is not true... or things dun always turn out this way, why are u so negative in ur thoughts , which frenz are you writing about blu blu blu.. OMG... I write on everything that happen in my life.. this is my freedom of speech... who are you to tell me what I can write and what I cannot write...? I mean U might have your own views on things in life which I respect... therefore you should also respect my views on the same things.. different people have different viewpoints on things in life? What..? U expect everyone to think the same way you do or are U trying to change everyone in the world to think the same way U do... U are crazy... I always welcome ppl who tell me their views on the things that I write... like my frenz who told me that she would like ppl to smile and laugh at her funeral instead of me who want ppl to cry.. but she just tell me how she feel about the same thing.. she DUN TRY TO CHANGE MY THOUGHTS TO WANTING PPL TO LAUGH AT MY FUNERAL!! Crazy ppl in this world sometimes just have simply nothing better to do then to come and tell me off for writing things on my blog and telling me what to do with my life.. HELLO.. i live my life for myself not for U.. go live your life and stop interferring with mine!! So what.. next time I need to put up a pharse like those TV shows... the comments on the blog purely represent the author's viewpoints on HER LIFE and do not pinpoint at any particular person in the world including the people around me!! Happy?? If you want to get upset or offended by whatever I write.. F**k off...
Saturday, June 25, 2005
Importance of Understanding in a Relationship..
The very basic to every relationship is understanding. Firstly you must let your potential bf/gf understand what type of person you really are. No point pretending to be someone you are not just for the sake of winning the person's heart. Ask yourself how long can you pretend for? How long can you hold on to the person's heart? As time goes by and your true character and personality start to show, everything will just be a dream; gone forever. Then what is the point of the relationship in the very first place. You are not you. You are just pretending to be someone the other party want... and when one day you realise you can't carry on to be the false someone, the other party's hopes got smashed and yours will follow. At the beginning of the relationship while trying to win the person's heart, you send big bouquets of flowers to her, ferry her to and off work, bring her to expensive dinners (while complaining on the other hand that your wallet basically only have $50 to last you to the end of the month), bring her to see beautiful sunsets and scenary, talk to her in a soft and charming manner.... you think it is you... you think it is all worth it if you can manage to win her heart... Let me ask you... what if one day the ger start to complain.. why didn't you fetch me off work, why the presents, dinners and bouquets of flowers stop...why now you don't have time to acommpany me anymore... why are you now talking to me in a rough manner... All not like you when you are wooing me... what would you reply..? Because firstly it is not you... can you tell her truly actually I am just a poor chap who don't have the financial capability to send you flowers and bring you for expensive dinners, I don;t have the time to ferry you on and off work everyday... I also got my own things to do... that I can't finish... what would the ger react by then? She love you not becoz you are you... she love the person that you pretend to be... that is not happiness.. that is falseness and lies... both parties dun even understand each other at all.. because at the very beginning you did not give her a chance to understand the real you... you did not give her the chance to choose between the real you and her ideal guy. For the sake of winning her you pretend to be her ideal in the end wasting your time and her time, wasting your chance and her chance at finding the true one... why dun you find someone who understand you for who you are in the first place instead of compromising yourself for no happiness sake?
There are couples who started out with no understanding in a relationship but continue to understand and find out more about each other as time goes by. The funni thing is they continue on to do so till they die... but at least they are letting the other party know about their true self... both parties accept that the other person true self is what they are truly looking for as a ideal partner for life... thus they can spend their entire lifetime understanding each other more and more day by day but they still stick by each other side, willing to support each other through their life journey. My grandma and grandpa are typical examples. They got married without even a chance to look at how each other look like... they spend their entire lifetime accompanying each other and developing that very basic understanding for each other... they are patient and tolerant to each other's habits and personality... and now at the age of 80.. they are still finding out things about each other's thoughts and personality... how many people can do so now? I believe none...
There are couples who broke up because of too much understanding too. So without understanding in a relationship, it is not a relationship. Now I am saying even with understanding, too much of it will result in a spoilt relationship. Contriditing right? It is only because when you understand each other too much to realise the other party is far from your basic criteria of a ideal life partner.. you decide to let go. There can be many reasons for the gap between someone who you thought was the ideal partner and your ideal life partner. Firstly the person pretend to be someone he/she is not and as the true personality show, the truth finally hit you. Or the other party may be showing his/her true personality, but as you know more and more about his/her character or personality, you realise it is far from what you want. When it comes to these kind of cases... why waste both parties time and chances by trying to hold on? The better way will be to let go and give each other a chance to find the right one isn't it?
I used to think I can compromise myself in the sea of love. To realise that compromise sometimes do not lead to happiness... I dun mind loving someone even though my name is not in the person heart. But I realise sometimes people tend to make use of your love for them for their own benefits. You become someone for them to use when they need you, someone for them to go to when their gf/bf is not free or agrue with them.... but when they are happily with their bf/gf, they totally forget about your name, dun even have the time to talk to you when you are down. What kind of frenz are they? I am determinded not to become a silly ger like that, I dun want to be make use of again...why should I? Don't ever tell me that because I love you I need to help you when you are in need? Where are you when I need you to help me? Why don't you ask your gf to help you? Because she as your gf, you have to pamper her.. but not me? I am only there to share unhappiness but not happiness in your life... only there to fill up the empty spaces left behind by your gf when she cannot be there...Maybe as a frenz yes I will always be there for you but that will never be LOVE. Frankly speaking in the very first place I never even love you... because you are totally not fit to be someone that I love. Because that isn't love in the first place. I have every right as a woman to find someone who truly love me.. not to be someone who will always be in the shadows under someone you love.
After falling down in the path of love... I am determind to become stronger... I might be lonely but I wun fall... I want to find my true one... no compromises to be make against my preset criteria of a ideal life partner...
There are couples who started out with no understanding in a relationship but continue to understand and find out more about each other as time goes by. The funni thing is they continue on to do so till they die... but at least they are letting the other party know about their true self... both parties accept that the other person true self is what they are truly looking for as a ideal partner for life... thus they can spend their entire lifetime understanding each other more and more day by day but they still stick by each other side, willing to support each other through their life journey. My grandma and grandpa are typical examples. They got married without even a chance to look at how each other look like... they spend their entire lifetime accompanying each other and developing that very basic understanding for each other... they are patient and tolerant to each other's habits and personality... and now at the age of 80.. they are still finding out things about each other's thoughts and personality... how many people can do so now? I believe none...
There are couples who broke up because of too much understanding too. So without understanding in a relationship, it is not a relationship. Now I am saying even with understanding, too much of it will result in a spoilt relationship. Contriditing right? It is only because when you understand each other too much to realise the other party is far from your basic criteria of a ideal life partner.. you decide to let go. There can be many reasons for the gap between someone who you thought was the ideal partner and your ideal life partner. Firstly the person pretend to be someone he/she is not and as the true personality show, the truth finally hit you. Or the other party may be showing his/her true personality, but as you know more and more about his/her character or personality, you realise it is far from what you want. When it comes to these kind of cases... why waste both parties time and chances by trying to hold on? The better way will be to let go and give each other a chance to find the right one isn't it?
I used to think I can compromise myself in the sea of love. To realise that compromise sometimes do not lead to happiness... I dun mind loving someone even though my name is not in the person heart. But I realise sometimes people tend to make use of your love for them for their own benefits. You become someone for them to use when they need you, someone for them to go to when their gf/bf is not free or agrue with them.... but when they are happily with their bf/gf, they totally forget about your name, dun even have the time to talk to you when you are down. What kind of frenz are they? I am determinded not to become a silly ger like that, I dun want to be make use of again...why should I? Don't ever tell me that because I love you I need to help you when you are in need? Where are you when I need you to help me? Why don't you ask your gf to help you? Because she as your gf, you have to pamper her.. but not me? I am only there to share unhappiness but not happiness in your life... only there to fill up the empty spaces left behind by your gf when she cannot be there...Maybe as a frenz yes I will always be there for you but that will never be LOVE. Frankly speaking in the very first place I never even love you... because you are totally not fit to be someone that I love. Because that isn't love in the first place. I have every right as a woman to find someone who truly love me.. not to be someone who will always be in the shadows under someone you love.
After falling down in the path of love... I am determind to become stronger... I might be lonely but I wun fall... I want to find my true one... no compromises to be make against my preset criteria of a ideal life partner...
Monday, June 20, 2005
Last day of my leave.....
Haha... today is the last day of my leave... next leave gotten wait until Sept... going for Star Cruises in Sept.. at least something to look forward to.. but meanwhile I will be damn busy with my next examination period from July to Sept... haiz... sianz... thinking abt it..
I went on a shopping spree yesterday.. damn shiok.. haha... brought a whole lot of new wardrode.. two pairs of shoes, 4 shirts, 2 belts, 3 bags... haha.. spent a total of abt 200+ i think.. haha... shiok.... haha.. the first time I brought so much things in one day....
Anyway.. i think my expectations is becoming higher and higher... after reading too much love chinese novels, watching too much chinese drama serials...and seeing too much failure stories around me... I tell you.. I was watching the chinese photograpghy show on channel U... the one where they find someone on the streets and ask them to do something and then take photos with them.... today theme include couples having to declare their love for each other over a loudspeaker in public... I tell u.. that is toopidz... One of the criteria my future MR RIGHT must have... dun ever try and do something toopidz like that!!! Haha.. ppl think it is romantic.. I tell u... it is NOT AT ALL romantic... haha.. I can't wait to dig a hole in the ground and bury myself... I mean I dun mind if my future husband propose to me in public with a very good atmosphere of coz.. not just anywhere in Orchard road right..? But dun try and shout I LOVE YOU in public.. haha.. I think i will end up agruing and quarrelling in public becoz of a toopidz act...
Can't believe I am going back to work tomolo.. can I dun go??? haiz... the feeling of being on leave is so nice...
I went on a shopping spree yesterday.. damn shiok.. haha... brought a whole lot of new wardrode.. two pairs of shoes, 4 shirts, 2 belts, 3 bags... haha.. spent a total of abt 200+ i think.. haha... shiok.... haha.. the first time I brought so much things in one day....
Anyway.. i think my expectations is becoming higher and higher... after reading too much love chinese novels, watching too much chinese drama serials...and seeing too much failure stories around me... I tell you.. I was watching the chinese photograpghy show on channel U... the one where they find someone on the streets and ask them to do something and then take photos with them.... today theme include couples having to declare their love for each other over a loudspeaker in public... I tell u.. that is toopidz... One of the criteria my future MR RIGHT must have... dun ever try and do something toopidz like that!!! Haha.. ppl think it is romantic.. I tell u... it is NOT AT ALL romantic... haha.. I can't wait to dig a hole in the ground and bury myself... I mean I dun mind if my future husband propose to me in public with a very good atmosphere of coz.. not just anywhere in Orchard road right..? But dun try and shout I LOVE YOU in public.. haha.. I think i will end up agruing and quarrelling in public becoz of a toopidz act...
Can't believe I am going back to work tomolo.. can I dun go??? haiz... the feeling of being on leave is so nice...
Saturday, June 11, 2005
Before work 11.06.05
Ok.. I got a bad new to announce.. for those frenz who survived on reading my blog days by days... I am sad to announce that i wun be blogging for the few weeks to come... blogs is going to get lesser and lesser.. of coz... I will try my best to come up and add an entry or two when I have a little bit of extra time like now.. I am eating and blogging at the same time... multi tasking.. haha
The reason why... too much time to do... in maybe another half a year to one year time I might be a LECTURER!!! Haha.. part time though... the sch is opening up a international diploma in tourism so i might get the chance to teach while working full time in their exam division.. got to develop coursework, mark exams, teach lectures and tutorials.. haha... simply crazy... I calculated my pay.. I will bascially hit 3k per mth... but of coz there is a deep price to pay.. I will have no life.. becoz i will be practically working 24hrs aday.. haha... no life no bf... ONS maybe... anyone wanna volunteer? Haha...But i am really interested in that lecturing position... it will be a great challenge.. so buck up man.. haha... I am going on a rollar coaster ride...
The reason why... too much time to do... in maybe another half a year to one year time I might be a LECTURER!!! Haha.. part time though... the sch is opening up a international diploma in tourism so i might get the chance to teach while working full time in their exam division.. got to develop coursework, mark exams, teach lectures and tutorials.. haha... simply crazy... I calculated my pay.. I will bascially hit 3k per mth... but of coz there is a deep price to pay.. I will have no life.. becoz i will be practically working 24hrs aday.. haha... no life no bf... ONS maybe... anyone wanna volunteer? Haha...But i am really interested in that lecturing position... it will be a great challenge.. so buck up man.. haha... I am going on a rollar coaster ride...
Friday, June 10, 2005
Blog of the day.... 10.06.05
Haha... this will be the first blog of the day before I start one day of crazy emailing and work again... finished first round of exams for the degree students.. conducting another two more sessions for MBA students tomolo and that is the end of Term 1.. then go for a short 3 days break to Tioman and start again with the second round of exams for diploma students... nv ending... I just get bombarded by emails everyday.... as much as I try to sit in front of my com 8 hrs a day trying to clear it.. it just come back to over 100 everyday... I have no idea why..?? Haha..... The department head think that my workload is simply too much for me to handle.. considering that graduation and exams start all at the same time.... yah right.. hire someone to help me pls.... at least I wun get so scared of coming into office open my lotus notes and see 100+ unread emails waiting for me to read and by the time I cleared 50 another new batch of 50 will come in again... arghhh... in the end me and my collegues from the planning department got so fed up with this email war that we decide to take the excuse of conducting an exam to stay put there... haha... we end up chatting in the room... until 9.30am and straight off work... dun even bother to open our email boxes.. haha...
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
Is life unfair??
U know... sometimes I think to myself is life unfair to me?..I dun get to choose how I want my life to be... I always ask myself why izzit that I must have scoliosis.... why izzit me the unlucky one to become one of the millions in Singapore to get this illness... why is my illness discovered so late(at the time my illness was discovered there wasn't any education about this illness.. what are the symptons to look out for... in fact noone knew about its existence.. ) In fact I have all the symptons but it is way too late by the time my mum realise about my illness... my whole body is already seriously deformed and that there is nothing much for the doctor to do to correct that except the last option surgery (If I dun go thru the surgery I will be paralysed by the age of 16.. my spine will be too deformed to support my body and I wun be able to walk at all)... why must I have steel rods attached besides my spine affecting my whole life.... not allowing me to do so many things that I wanna do like bungee jumping, parachuting... everytime I do something I got to rethink if whatever I do will kill me or paralyse me forever.... All along I went against all strict instructions given down by my doc... I am not supposed to do exercise I went ahead to join cross country in secondary school... I am not supposed to lift heavy things I went ahead to carry stocks in Delifrance... I am not supposed to play rollar coaster or any 360degrees games that might hurt my back I went ahead to do so.. I am not supposed to fight with others just in case someone hit hard on my back and break the steel rods or my spine...I didn't care at that time.. I am even supposed to be careful when climbing the stairs.. just in case I fall hard on my back...sound crazy yeh... but one thing I did follow.. I missed all the sit and reach excercise during my PE lessions.. in fact from primary 4 onwards after my operations.. I am no longer allowed to participate in any forms of excercise... however I went ahead to take part in sports in secondary school.. volleyball netball cross country but yet I still continue to forgo sit and reach.. before that I am always a gold medal holder but haiz.. just becoz of sit and reach.. I can't bend my body... can't even get a lousy medal in the end... All I always wanna to prove is that I can do everything... just like any normal ppl.. but the truth is I can't.. I remember once I was packing stocks I sprained my back... told a frenz abt it and he got so worried wanting to admit me into hospital for a detailed check up to make sure there is no movements in the steel rods... sometimes life just doesn't get to be what U wanna it to be right? u think I dun wanna to be beautiful... be chio like any other gers... u think I like my body the way it is? I also wish for an hour glass figure.. to be able to wear tight fitting tanktops and spaghetti straps and look nice in it... I also wish i can wear bikini and get a nice suntan on my body... i also wish i can be sexy.. but too bad I don't get to take part in any of the decision making process... do i?
Sometimes I think humans are too greedy... some gers have the best of the worlds.. They have a nice figure, a pretty looking face, nice complexion and they still wanna go for plastic surgery to make themselves even prettier... I can't even go for plastic surgery... Haha.. but come to think about it.. I am also much much luckier than some people on earth... that is what I keep on telling myself... There are ppl out there starving with no food yet they can't help themselves but wait for death to come... there are ppl who are born handicapped without hands or legs or with hands and legs that can't be used... I remember when I am in primary school.. my mum got to carry my bag for me to school becoz I can't carry heavy things... there was this guy together with me who look perfectly healthy but he has soft leg bones which means even though he got legs he can't walk..once he walk his legs will break... he got to come to school in a wheelchair whereas I still can walk by myself to school... I remember whenever my mum send me to school for assembly.. the whole school will look at me and him becoz we are the only two weirdos who have our mums staying besides us for every classes..I used to cry at school.. becoz ppl used to laugh at me... so old still need my mummy to carry my bag for me.. (thinking back my mum really went thru alot to support me until now especially the one mth that I was in hospital after the operation she is basically besides me the entire mth.. I remember her slping on the floor besides me while I am in extra care unit... I remember her crying when I got an virus infection leading to a very serious asthma attack.. I thought I was going to die.. haha)... there are ppl born deaf, dumb or blind.. there are ppl who are disfigured on their face when born.. or maybe disfigured thru some unfortunate accidents but they still go on their life as normal... not bothering about how other stare at them on the MRT, on the road....there are ppl born with down syndrome... ppl born with pigmentation or skin problems... compared to such ppl I am considered much lucky...what am I compared to them? I get to behave like a normal person although restricted in some ways.. but still normal.. even though I can only wear loose fitting clothes to cover my deformed body.. at least when I am dressed up.. others can't see any of my flaws... at least I still have my hands and legs, still can talk, eat, listen and hear what others say... I am fortunate in many ways.. I should be glad that I am still living in this world... day by day.. I shld be glad that I have a complete family, loving parents and grandparents... a shelter over my head, a proper job and a proper pay... glad for my achievements so far... what else can I ask for??
Some websites on scoliosis...
http://orthoinfo.aaos.org/brochure/thr_report.cfm?Thread_ID=14&topcategory=Spine
www.srs.org
www.scoliosisrx.com
www.iscoliosis.com
Sometimes I think humans are too greedy... some gers have the best of the worlds.. They have a nice figure, a pretty looking face, nice complexion and they still wanna go for plastic surgery to make themselves even prettier... I can't even go for plastic surgery... Haha.. but come to think about it.. I am also much much luckier than some people on earth... that is what I keep on telling myself... There are ppl out there starving with no food yet they can't help themselves but wait for death to come... there are ppl who are born handicapped without hands or legs or with hands and legs that can't be used... I remember when I am in primary school.. my mum got to carry my bag for me to school becoz I can't carry heavy things... there was this guy together with me who look perfectly healthy but he has soft leg bones which means even though he got legs he can't walk..once he walk his legs will break... he got to come to school in a wheelchair whereas I still can walk by myself to school... I remember whenever my mum send me to school for assembly.. the whole school will look at me and him becoz we are the only two weirdos who have our mums staying besides us for every classes..I used to cry at school.. becoz ppl used to laugh at me... so old still need my mummy to carry my bag for me.. (thinking back my mum really went thru alot to support me until now especially the one mth that I was in hospital after the operation she is basically besides me the entire mth.. I remember her slping on the floor besides me while I am in extra care unit... I remember her crying when I got an virus infection leading to a very serious asthma attack.. I thought I was going to die.. haha)... there are ppl born deaf, dumb or blind.. there are ppl who are disfigured on their face when born.. or maybe disfigured thru some unfortunate accidents but they still go on their life as normal... not bothering about how other stare at them on the MRT, on the road....there are ppl born with down syndrome... ppl born with pigmentation or skin problems... compared to such ppl I am considered much lucky...what am I compared to them? I get to behave like a normal person although restricted in some ways.. but still normal.. even though I can only wear loose fitting clothes to cover my deformed body.. at least when I am dressed up.. others can't see any of my flaws... at least I still have my hands and legs, still can talk, eat, listen and hear what others say... I am fortunate in many ways.. I should be glad that I am still living in this world... day by day.. I shld be glad that I have a complete family, loving parents and grandparents... a shelter over my head, a proper job and a proper pay... glad for my achievements so far... what else can I ask for??
Some websites on scoliosis...
http://orthoinfo.aaos.org/brochure/thr_report.cfm?Thread_ID=14&topcategory=Spine
www.srs.org
www.scoliosisrx.com
www.iscoliosis.com
Determination..
I made up my mind... I am pulling out of this toopidz silly game of mine... Determined to pull myself away from falling deeper into the trap of love.... from the very beginning I am the only one imagining things myself... fabricating beautiful stories and images which is unrealistic... so I am going to stop all of it.. by distancing myself again.. be it avoiding or what.. but I am sure when I come back... frenz will be frenz...
If I am going to die one day...
You know I thought to myself today in the shower.... If I am going to die one day.. maybe committ sucide... who is going to attend my funeral.... I thought of the list of frenz who will get to know about my funeral and the list of frenz who will come to my funeral.. seem so little when I listed them all out.... and most importantly who will cry at the thought of losing me forever..?? My grandpa's best frenz just passed away... and it was the first time I heard my grandpa cry in public.... he felt guilty for not being there for his frenz especially that his frenz was calling out his name during the last few mins.... so it got me thinking... other than my parents... who else will be crying?? I listed a couple of my so called best frenz cum buddies.. I dun think they will cry... of coz they will be damn upset but they wun cry becoz with or without me in their life... it doesn't seem to make such a big difference... ppl always say they wan everybody at the funeral to smile and laugh but not to cry... I seem to be thinking the direct opposite.. only those who cried shows that I play a big part in making their life different... only those who cried are truly concerned abt me....
U noe what... this is what happen when u drink too much.. haha
U noe what... this is what happen when u drink too much.. haha
Missing...
I think I finally admit to myself today that I am missing the feeling of love.... the feeling of being in a relationship... the feeling of being loved by someone... the feeling of being pampered by someone and most importantly the feeling of physical touch. And when the missing feeling set in, I try to do something to occupy my time and my mind.... and try to find someone who is available to fill up the vacant spaces temporary... but I failed terribly... haha... becoz that still doesn't constitute to love.... but it is true that you still get pampered and you still get to experience the physical touch.. I admit.. I am very emotional... I need the feeling of physical touch to show that I am being loved... a simple hug sometimes do the job of consoling me... nothing much...
I was sitting at home watching Alias today and there is this part that shows the female and male lead who like each other but never show it out on the outside... finally getting together... and the lonely thoughts suddenly hit me again... U noe nowadays I really hate to have time by myself.... I hate to be alone.. I hate to have extra time when there is noone to go out with, nowhere to go and nothing to do... becoz it is at this kind of time that my mind start roaming and the missing feeling set in... just felt so pathetic and sorry for myself.. haha...
I dun think I will ever be able to say to someone I LOVE YOU. The word LOVE dun seem to be in my dictionary anymore... LIKE and LOVE in my heart is an ocean apart... they belongs to two different worlds.... I remember a guy telling me that the gers he like usually dun like him.. but the gers he dun like always like him... haha.. I happen to find out that I dropped into the second category box... haha... but it is ok... That feeling of rejection didn't hit as much as if you would have LOVE him... although I have no idea why I still just keep on thinking about him the whole day.. I must be crazy.. see that is what happen when you have too much time....
Is it enough if you just like someone and you continue into a relationship on that foundation.. I have no idea... Is it better if you find someone who truly understand you but someone who dun understand you at all... but slowly discover each other in the relationship? I used to think that finding someone who understand you will be much better than someone who dun... but sometimes too much understanding also become a problem and that is why some ppl choose to go for someone who completely dun understand at all... Which one is better which one last longer... noone will ever know....will I be able to find someone who can hold my hands and stroll down the beach at the age of 80+
I was sitting at home watching Alias today and there is this part that shows the female and male lead who like each other but never show it out on the outside... finally getting together... and the lonely thoughts suddenly hit me again... U noe nowadays I really hate to have time by myself.... I hate to be alone.. I hate to have extra time when there is noone to go out with, nowhere to go and nothing to do... becoz it is at this kind of time that my mind start roaming and the missing feeling set in... just felt so pathetic and sorry for myself.. haha...
I dun think I will ever be able to say to someone I LOVE YOU. The word LOVE dun seem to be in my dictionary anymore... LIKE and LOVE in my heart is an ocean apart... they belongs to two different worlds.... I remember a guy telling me that the gers he like usually dun like him.. but the gers he dun like always like him... haha.. I happen to find out that I dropped into the second category box... haha... but it is ok... That feeling of rejection didn't hit as much as if you would have LOVE him... although I have no idea why I still just keep on thinking about him the whole day.. I must be crazy.. see that is what happen when you have too much time....
Is it enough if you just like someone and you continue into a relationship on that foundation.. I have no idea... Is it better if you find someone who truly understand you but someone who dun understand you at all... but slowly discover each other in the relationship? I used to think that finding someone who understand you will be much better than someone who dun... but sometimes too much understanding also become a problem and that is why some ppl choose to go for someone who completely dun understand at all... Which one is better which one last longer... noone will ever know....will I be able to find someone who can hold my hands and stroll down the beach at the age of 80+
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
Distance...
The book that I am reading now says...
The furthest distance on earth
Is not between life and death
Is that I am standing right in front of you
But yet you don't know that I love you
The furthest distance on earth
Is not that I am staying in front of you
But yet you don't know that I love you
But that we both love each other
Yet we can never be together
The furthest distance on earth
Is not that we both love each other
Yet we cannot be together
But that as much as I am thinking of loving you
Yet I still have to try to act as if I don't even bother about you...
The furthest distance on earth
Is not between life and death
Is that I am standing right in front of you
But yet you don't know that I love you
The furthest distance on earth
Is not that I am staying in front of you
But yet you don't know that I love you
But that we both love each other
Yet we can never be together
The furthest distance on earth
Is not that we both love each other
Yet we cannot be together
But that as much as I am thinking of loving you
Yet I still have to try to act as if I don't even bother about you...
Monday, June 06, 2005
Thinking too much...
Haha... I hope I wun be losing a mate soon... Maybe all along I am the only one who is thinking too much... hoping too much.. and doing too much... ppl dun even have feelings for u man.. haha.. nvm.. at least I know what I am doing... at least I try... at least I didn't let a chance bypass me.. at least I nv do anything that I will regret in the future... haha... all becoz of my toopiz bro.... idiot... from now on... I am going to stop thinking... I dun wish to become another Ms S.. haha... horrible... can I dig myself a hole and bury myself inside... haha... Joke of the day really... I feel so crazy... haha
Sunday, June 05, 2005
Mood Analysis Test 2
I took the test yesterday and this was the results.....
You are longing for some love and affection at this time - not that you have been deprived of tender loving care - but there are times when everyone needs to try something new or to go 'somewhere' else to perhaps experience that little extra 'understanding'.
You are a true extrovert, frivolous and outgoing. You need to feel in control of any situation. If matters are not proceeding according to plan you tend to get extremely irritable and perhaps become difficult to live with.
There are times of everyone's life when 'compromise' is the name of the game and this is the time, so you have no alternative but to forgo some pleasures for the time being. You are capable of achieving satisfaction through physical activity.
Your willpower and stamina are in danger of being overwhelmed by excessive stress. Your resilience and tenacity have become weakened. You are feeling overtaxed, worn out and getting nowhere: but you continue to stand your ground. You feel that this unfavourable situation is an encumbrance which you could well do without and you find yourself unable to make the necessary decisions at this particular moment in time to change anything.
Trying to cope with conditions which you think are beyond your capabilities has led to considerable anxiety and stress. You now feel that you are not capable of coping with this situation and indeed any situation which could arise from what you consider to be your personal inadequacy.
(Source: www.colorgenics.com)
You are longing for some love and affection at this time - not that you have been deprived of tender loving care - but there are times when everyone needs to try something new or to go 'somewhere' else to perhaps experience that little extra 'understanding'.
You are a true extrovert, frivolous and outgoing. You need to feel in control of any situation. If matters are not proceeding according to plan you tend to get extremely irritable and perhaps become difficult to live with.
There are times of everyone's life when 'compromise' is the name of the game and this is the time, so you have no alternative but to forgo some pleasures for the time being. You are capable of achieving satisfaction through physical activity.
Your willpower and stamina are in danger of being overwhelmed by excessive stress. Your resilience and tenacity have become weakened. You are feeling overtaxed, worn out and getting nowhere: but you continue to stand your ground. You feel that this unfavourable situation is an encumbrance which you could well do without and you find yourself unable to make the necessary decisions at this particular moment in time to change anything.
Trying to cope with conditions which you think are beyond your capabilities has led to considerable anxiety and stress. You now feel that you are not capable of coping with this situation and indeed any situation which could arise from what you consider to be your personal inadequacy.
(Source: www.colorgenics.com)
Fling vs Love
Ok. Now at work.. actually have a lot of emails and calls to be made but the funni thing is I dun feel like doing so.... maybe it is becoz I have not enough of slp.. basically slept for 3 hrs yesterday.. slept at 4 woke up at 5 to give someone a mrning call and went back to slp until 7am.. many many cups of coffee down the stomach only manage to give me a terrible stomachache but no cure for my sleepy illness...
A frenz of mine came to pick me up from work and we went up to MT faber for a drink... That is the place that I always wanna to go.. and I finally got to see the beautiful scenary and lots of light bulbs!!! How I wish I can stay there longer and probably get to see sunrise... but too bad both me and my frenz got to work in the mrning today so we just manage to stay until 12am. Got home around one.. supposed to go to sleep... but ended up having a long talk with the same frenz throughout the night yesterday.... it got me thinking the whole night and mrning and I bet afternoon too... I have no idea why whatever he say seem to have such a big impact on me.. He say usually gers who are not willing to be in a relationship with him will end up trying to help him to tackle gers... which was actually what I am trying to help him do yesterday... but the thing that I don't understand and can't figure out is... he THOUGHT that I am not willing to be in a relationship with him... that is a one sided agrument but he nv bother to ask me anything about whether I am willing to carry on the life journey together with him... for that he is toopidz.... he ASSUMED that I will not be willing and therefore he dun even bother to ask... for the fear of 100% rejection... I tried hinting to him that he nv even seek my answer but I bet he didn't get the hint or he simply doesn't bother... But anyway.. i tried to help him to tackle a ger yesterday... whether it is successful or not.. will depends on fate and destiny.. frankly speaking I have no idea why I volunteered to do so.. and why I am doing so.. Haha
Anyway.. I think we both know that a relationship between us most likely wun work out... even though we have the same likes and hobbiess.... even though we do have a crush on each other... bloody hell he nv hinted to me anything and even if he did I wun catch it either... we are not a match for each other and we know deep inside our heart. Therefore other than being a fling with each other... it can nv develop into a serious relationship and I am curious how a relationship is going to develop without the foundation of LOVE... I admitted I like his character.. him for being him.... Him for being egolistic... Him for knowing how to treat a ger well... but I dun think that is enough.... and it wun be a proper relationship.. Frankly speaking I think I quite like him really even from the past.. but I didn't make it too obvious I hope.. haha.. but since he is moving on in his life... why should I stop in my path?? I used to think that things might work out unless we give it a try... it depends on us to work things out but sometimes I guess it isn't so.. and I think his crush for me is temporary and over by now... it will nv turn to like nor love so I bet he dun even bother to ask or try or maybe he also think it will be a waste of time other than two lonely ppl trying to seek some comfort in each other arms.. which is crap I guess... haha.. I dun have no idea what he is thinking... maybe becoz we joke too much abt each other until we have no idea what we are saying is true or false ourselves.. haha
Maybe like what the test say.. i am in need of some love and affection... but still I dun think I want to be in a serious relationship now... and not within the next few yrs.... I did consider him as a potential partner in life.. (one sided point of view again) but frankly speaking I dun think I have the courage and ability to be in any serious relationships after my last experience.. I dun want to get on a bus and after a few yrs realise that this bus is not going tthe direction that I wanted to go... I dun wan to take another chance... and besides I dun think I am ready at this age... i think I am too young to be in something that serious... so I guess it is going to be me alone or only flings ba... haha. not much committment needed....anyway many fortune tellers did predict that I shldnt be in a relationship too early and I am only suitable for a late marriage... simply crazy thinking...back to work... haha
A frenz of mine came to pick me up from work and we went up to MT faber for a drink... That is the place that I always wanna to go.. and I finally got to see the beautiful scenary and lots of light bulbs!!! How I wish I can stay there longer and probably get to see sunrise... but too bad both me and my frenz got to work in the mrning today so we just manage to stay until 12am. Got home around one.. supposed to go to sleep... but ended up having a long talk with the same frenz throughout the night yesterday.... it got me thinking the whole night and mrning and I bet afternoon too... I have no idea why whatever he say seem to have such a big impact on me.. He say usually gers who are not willing to be in a relationship with him will end up trying to help him to tackle gers... which was actually what I am trying to help him do yesterday... but the thing that I don't understand and can't figure out is... he THOUGHT that I am not willing to be in a relationship with him... that is a one sided agrument but he nv bother to ask me anything about whether I am willing to carry on the life journey together with him... for that he is toopidz.... he ASSUMED that I will not be willing and therefore he dun even bother to ask... for the fear of 100% rejection... I tried hinting to him that he nv even seek my answer but I bet he didn't get the hint or he simply doesn't bother... But anyway.. i tried to help him to tackle a ger yesterday... whether it is successful or not.. will depends on fate and destiny.. frankly speaking I have no idea why I volunteered to do so.. and why I am doing so.. Haha
Anyway.. I think we both know that a relationship between us most likely wun work out... even though we have the same likes and hobbiess.... even though we do have a crush on each other... bloody hell he nv hinted to me anything and even if he did I wun catch it either... we are not a match for each other and we know deep inside our heart. Therefore other than being a fling with each other... it can nv develop into a serious relationship and I am curious how a relationship is going to develop without the foundation of LOVE... I admitted I like his character.. him for being him.... Him for being egolistic... Him for knowing how to treat a ger well... but I dun think that is enough.... and it wun be a proper relationship.. Frankly speaking I think I quite like him really even from the past.. but I didn't make it too obvious I hope.. haha.. but since he is moving on in his life... why should I stop in my path?? I used to think that things might work out unless we give it a try... it depends on us to work things out but sometimes I guess it isn't so.. and I think his crush for me is temporary and over by now... it will nv turn to like nor love so I bet he dun even bother to ask or try or maybe he also think it will be a waste of time other than two lonely ppl trying to seek some comfort in each other arms.. which is crap I guess... haha.. I dun have no idea what he is thinking... maybe becoz we joke too much abt each other until we have no idea what we are saying is true or false ourselves.. haha
Maybe like what the test say.. i am in need of some love and affection... but still I dun think I want to be in a serious relationship now... and not within the next few yrs.... I did consider him as a potential partner in life.. (one sided point of view again) but frankly speaking I dun think I have the courage and ability to be in any serious relationships after my last experience.. I dun want to get on a bus and after a few yrs realise that this bus is not going tthe direction that I wanted to go... I dun wan to take another chance... and besides I dun think I am ready at this age... i think I am too young to be in something that serious... so I guess it is going to be me alone or only flings ba... haha. not much committment needed....anyway many fortune tellers did predict that I shldnt be in a relationship too early and I am only suitable for a late marriage... simply crazy thinking...back to work... haha
Thursday, June 02, 2005
Miss me?? Haha
OK. I am sitting in front of the com trying to force myself to swallow some yucky medicine.... crappy...eeeks... anyway I really do miss blogging eh.. hehe... haven't blog for such a long time.. firstly I have no reason to do so as I have nothing much to say and nothing much going through my brains and mind... both hard disks are currently blank and empty... so what do you expect me to say when I am totally not thinking or pondering about anything at all.. secondly I dun even have the time to think of what I want to write, what I can write and most importantly the time to write.. haha... I am so caught up in work work and work... but anyway I got some time now since I only have to go to work at 1pm todae... but work until 10pm at night as I am conducting some exams...
oh yah I went out with my frenz on last sat and sun.... went to catch a movie at Tampines on Sat with a long lost frenz of mine... what show did we watch? Oh Yah Monster In Law... Funni show although with a silly plot.. but anyway it makes you laugh.. but please there is no such romance happening in the real world now... caught each other eye at the beach and happily ever after... movie will always be a movie isn't it?? Went out for a dinner on Sun with my ex-collegues in Delifrance Ngee Ann City... a plain dinner at NYDC just like any other dinner.. then we walk from Wheelock place to Plaza Singapura.. I thinkk we were just plain bored and have nothing better to do... and nothing to chat with each other I guess.. oh yah I am never going to show my face at Wheelock Place NYDC again... my frenz went to complain about their Mushroom Madness Baked Rice.. oh my god.. I almost wanna dig a hole and bury myself in there forever.... I would have nv imagine myself complaining about burnt mushrooms on baked rice.. the most I wun eat it... haha.. being in the service line myself... I wun ever do such thing... But anyway the lady was kind and switch the baked rice for a dessert...as we are walking towards PS I met up with another long lost poly frenz of mine.. oh my god how many long lost frenz do I have?? Haha.. Find one day I have to ask everyone out for a chit chat session which mostly likely will turn up to be one of those "get to know more about you" session...
Anyway my eyes are closing.. my bed is missing me.... my piggy is calling out for me... I think i really got to go to slp.. nitez everyone... till the next time we met... take care... hehe
oh yah I went out with my frenz on last sat and sun.... went to catch a movie at Tampines on Sat with a long lost frenz of mine... what show did we watch? Oh Yah Monster In Law... Funni show although with a silly plot.. but anyway it makes you laugh.. but please there is no such romance happening in the real world now... caught each other eye at the beach and happily ever after... movie will always be a movie isn't it?? Went out for a dinner on Sun with my ex-collegues in Delifrance Ngee Ann City... a plain dinner at NYDC just like any other dinner.. then we walk from Wheelock place to Plaza Singapura.. I thinkk we were just plain bored and have nothing better to do... and nothing to chat with each other I guess.. oh yah I am never going to show my face at Wheelock Place NYDC again... my frenz went to complain about their Mushroom Madness Baked Rice.. oh my god.. I almost wanna dig a hole and bury myself in there forever.... I would have nv imagine myself complaining about burnt mushrooms on baked rice.. the most I wun eat it... haha.. being in the service line myself... I wun ever do such thing... But anyway the lady was kind and switch the baked rice for a dessert...as we are walking towards PS I met up with another long lost poly frenz of mine.. oh my god how many long lost frenz do I have?? Haha.. Find one day I have to ask everyone out for a chit chat session which mostly likely will turn up to be one of those "get to know more about you" session...
Anyway my eyes are closing.. my bed is missing me.... my piggy is calling out for me... I think i really got to go to slp.. nitez everyone... till the next time we met... take care... hehe
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