Hot!

OMG... the weather is so hot... simply cannot take it... give me back Korea weather anytime sia... hehe.. received a call from my sugar daddy in Korea just now... he is so sweet.. called and asked me how am I back in SG.. and I was complaining to him about the huge loads of work that I got to clear and the weather... hehehehe.. and he was there nagging me abt not drinking too much.. not going out late.. not playing too hard and I was there nagging him on his hot temper and warning him not to create another fight on the streets again in front of his tour group.. hehehe.. U have no idea what he did in front of my tour group... hahahaha... anyway.. he is a nice guy... typical egolistic macho Korean guy thinking... heheee

Went to Kusu Island yesterday with my dear dear to pray pray.. so nice... so sweet... it is good to take a break away from Singapore... and it is so nice to be able to see him again after being away from him for 8 days... hehehehe. then we came back to Blk 19 to have dinner with Jesper, Alex and Yeeling becoz Yeeling is flying off to HK today... I hoope she have a nice trip... rather worried about this ah ger of mine.... but I believe her teachers will take gd care of her... hehehehe.... then went back to Dear's place to catch some slp.. in the end I didn't get to sleep alot also.. hahahahaha... just too afraid to close my eyes... and lost the moments with him.... it is just like u wake up the next mrning and the night just flew past without your knowledge... how I wish I can spend every night with him... hehehehe... love him sooooo much.. then went back to the office today and realised bloody server is down in my lousy school so I can't do anything that I am supposed to do.. so ended up at Bugis with Junxian, Wen Lin and My dear... heheh.. we shopped around a little and then took a bus home... both of us were so stoned and tired.... hehehehehe... haiz.. sad case that I will be working terribly hard this entire week and can't spend much time with him... sob sob..

Moving on...

I am flying off to Korea today... sob sob... I can't bear to leave my darling luvy behind in SG.. how I wish he can come with me.. we will have so much fun together picking maple leaves, strolling by the beach, going to the hot springs, going to the theme parks.... like what my darlingz said yesterday... we got so much things to do together.... hehehehehe.... then I cannot call you or sms you also.... sob sob... dear dear.. i pick alot of autumn maple leaves for u k?? Hehehe... I am so so so going to miiiissss you... arghh... why dun we meet each other earlier..?? Haiz.. sad le.... even meeting up with U everyday dun seem to be enough.... how I wish I can spend more time with U yesterday..... I can't bear to leave U yesterday sia.. how I wish I can spend forever with U like this in ur arms..... how I wish I can spend the night with U yesterday.... hugging you to sleep.... sad to think of it sia...

It is hard to move on after a 6 yrs relationship.. I realise... there are so much things that you got to restart all over again.. getting to know a new person and letting a new person getting to know you... and getting used to each other's likes, dislikes and habits.... getting into each other's lifes and merging into one entity.. I guess that is the reason why alot of ppl choose to remain with their partner out of habit becoz they dun wan to start a new relationship all over again.... and repeat the entire cycle.... I choose to move on as I beg to be different... I want to find my true love.. someone who will hold my hands 40 yrs down the road and not someone who I stayed with out of habit... but the past came back and haunted me yesterday and it makes me feel so guilty... it is a pull between the past and the future.... not that I thought of returning to my past.. just some things I can't let go as of yet...

Dear.. I am sure we will be able to work out our differences along the way becoz our love is strong enough for eternity... i really love you alot... to the extent I am really scared of losing you someday... to the extent I think too much and become too possessive... I have no idea how I am going to cope with losing you.... not that I am doubting your love for me..... I know you truly love me... I am just scared due to past experiences.. i know U will understand....

Missing U...

hehe... actually I have alot of work to rush finish before I go for my 8days holidays to Korea... but I am simply missing my darling too much to continue.. can't wait to see him everyday when I go off work... can't wait to see him later... we going shopping later for my daddy birthday cake.. hehehehe.... can't wait to see him.... I miss him so much much.. even though we meet each other everyday becoz my sweet darling will come and fetch me off work everyday... how I wish this can continue forever.... hehehehe... I sound like a little ger very much in love right..? I am.. hahahah.. a pampered spoilt little gal... who is very much in love with my sweet little luvy.. hehehehe.. time is simply not enough...

Dear... we got 14600 days to count down to eh... heheheheheh... it seem so short isn't it..?? hehehehe

DarlingZ U are the gift to me...

Darlingz...

To have U in my life is the greatest gift of all...
You are there to support me when I most needed your support
You are always there for me whenever I need you
You treat me like i am your one and only princess in this world...
You are always there to protect me... from getting myself hurt from the outside world...
You are always there to show me the care and concern that I need
You always understand what I am thinking... and always willing to accept my thoughts... you provide me with advice but never force me to make decisions
You always allow me to climb over your head.. even though I warned you not to pamper me too much becoz I will sooner or later climb overboard... but U say you dun mind
You are always so sweet to me.. to pamper me
You are my precious lubby... hehehe

I cannot and have never imagine meeting someone like you who will be able to accept me for who I am truly... I know I am abit naggy about your smoking and drinking habits.. as much as I give U the freedom to hang out and drink with your frenz... U know it is for your own good... I know I am a bit silly sometimes... with regards to zero possibility... but I can nv imagine doing something to hurt you.... this I promise.... Noone can ever match up to you in my heart now.. becoz U are the one and only...

I can't wait to spend the rest of my time with you.... one moment not being beside you seem like eternity to me.... ppl might say it is becoz now we are having the so called honeymoon period.. but I seriously doubt so becoz... I know we both know.. given eternity.. we will still be able to continue holding on to each other hands fourty years down the road yet being silent.. and frank to each other.... before all these... before your truthfulness... I seriously doubt to myself if I have found the right one and you are not playing with my feelings.. maybe I have no confidence in myself.... I dun believe U have fallen for me... I dun believe that there is anything so nice abt me that have charmed U to lose ur senses..I dun believe I have the ability to be anyone dream gal let alone urs...what do I have to be ur dream gal?? I think God is playing a trick on me... just like before... But now I can tell myself I am glad I make the right decision... forgive me for saying all of the above darling... Becoz U are just too good to be true.. I am deeply in love with U...ppl say Scorpios once they fall in love.. they fall deeply in love.. we are both Scorpios.. hehehe I dun think I can ever live my life without U... I dun think I can ever lose U... just like what everyone say when U love someone U become scared of losing them... and I am so scared I will lose U... becoz I really love U my dear... to the fullest deepest of my heart.... U are my everything... hehee

The Gift

The Gift
Written by: Jim Brickman and Tom Douglas
Sung by: Collin Raye and Susan Ashton

Winter snow is falling down
Children laughing all around
Lights are turning on
Like a fairy tale come true
Sitting by the fire we made
You’re the answer when I prayed
I would find someone
And baby I found you

All I want is to hold you forever
All I need is you more every day
You saved my heart
From being broken apart
You gave your love away
And I'm thankful every day
For the gift

Watching as you softly sleep
What I'd give if I could keep
Just this moment
If only time stood still
But the colors fade away
And the years will make us grey
But baby in my eyes
You'll still be beautiful

All I want is to hold you forever
All I need is you more every day
You saved my heart
From being broken apart
You gave your love away
I can't find the words to say
That I’m thankful everyday
For the gift

Somebody

Somebody - Depeche Mode

I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone who'll stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
She'll get my support
She will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general
Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
She'll hear me out
And won't easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact she'll often disagree
But at the end of it all
She will understand me

I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought and
With every breath
Someone who'll help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost like
I don't want to be tied
To anyone's strings
I'm carefully trying to steer clear of
Those things
But when I'm asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly
Though things like this
Make me sick
In a case like this
I'll get away with it

From this moment on

From This Moment On - Shania Twin

From this moment life has begun
From this moment you are the one
Right beside you is where I belong
From this moment on

From this moment I have been blessed
I live only for your happiness
And for your love I'd give my last breath
From this moment on

I give my hand to you with all my heart
Can't wait to live my life with you, can't wait to start
You and I will never be apart
My dreams came true because of you

From this moment as long as I live
I will love you, I promise you this
There is nothing I wouldn't give
From this moment on

You're the reason I believe in love
And you're the answer to my prayers from up above
All we need is just the two of us
My dreams came true because of you

From this moment as long as I live
I will love you, I promise you this
From this moment
I will love you as long as I live
From this moment on

Missing Someone

Have u ever missed someone and felt terrible because u think tat he/she doesn't miss u?

Missing someone is a terrible but at the same time, sweet feeling. U will be sitting around wondering if u meant anything to him/her.

Thinking if he/she ever cares about u. Rushing to the phone once it rings hoping that it's him/her. Looking out of the window hoping that he/she will surprise u by appearing downstairs. Sitting in front of the television but thinking of her missing the final episode of your favourite show. Laying on your bed, thinking of the last time u wen out together. Thinking of how nice it will be to sit under the stars again, talking about everything, your dreams, plans, future. Logging on to the internet hoping to see him/her online. When u realise that he/she isn't online and did not return your page, u will start worrying if he/she is okay.

Missing someone is a way of growing up i guess. It exposes u to loneliness. It teaches u how to cope with being lonely and let u know that there is actually a feeling known as emptiness. Sometimes it feels good to miss someone. U know that u really care and u indulge in the feeling of loving/caring for him/her. But missing someone and not knowing if he/she is feeling the same is terrible. U feel as if u are being left alone. So if u miss someone, tell him/her and let them know. At the same time, ask if they miss u. Don't let the feeling of missing someone become jealousy or paranoid. If u are the one being missed and u know it, let the
other party know. if u miss him/her too, tell them. Don't let them wait.

Flashbacks...

Haven't been with contact with u for two weeks liao... no sms, no calls, no chats on MSN.. in fact I dun even get to see U on MSN anymore... maybe ur ex moved back with U liao..because I remember U once told me that if she moved back with U, U wun be able to chat with me on iNTERNET anymore becoz U got to accompany her... true... or maybe U are busy at camp...

I am moving on... but I still think of you.. maybe like people used to say... sometimes things that U dun get U always think it is the best... but when U get it.. U dun treasure it anymore... true... that's what I thought too... Because we can nv be together and we will nv be together, you will always be that perfect in my eyes... if we are ever going to be together, maybe I wun think of U as so great anymore... but come to think abt it.. it might be fate too.. because within 2 days of knowing you... we become so close... the relationship grew at such a fast rate that it become simply unbelieveable...

So now.. i am really scared... I dun wan it to be a one sided thing anymore.. i promise myself I wun be that toopidz anymore... frenz is always better.... recently I keep on hanging out at the jetty overlooking johor near my place... doing something that I used to like alot.. drinking... hahaha... it is cool really... I haven't been there for a very long time and I really love that place alot becoz it used to be the place where I will go whenever I am upset or frustered abt something... I talked to my frenz.. about U... I am able to talk about you like U are one of my normal frenz... even though underneath I really wish I can hate U.... but like I say I am letting it go.. so being able to talk to someone about U is good... at least for one thing I know I am facing up to my own feelings... at least I can talk about U like normal and not hang on to U in my mind... I wished U all the best... from the bottom of my heart.. I wished one day I will be able to find someone like U who pamper his gf... like his one and only princess too... U always make me feel protected and loved... maybe that is why it has been so hard for me to let U go... so hard for me to forget U..it is surprising why something that short can be that memorable... and can creat such a strong feeling....

Starting Life Afresh Without U....

A fast update... the time now is 12.17am in the morning.. I am real tired after a day's work... was simply too angry, annoyed and pissed off in the afternoon over work matters... stressed... but now since I am not home.. I might as well just forget all about it huh... hehehe... have to wake up very early tomolo becoz I am bringing my cousin who is in SG for a visit back to Batu Pahat to visit our grandma and grandpa... a day trip... which I bet will make me even more tired in the end.. but what to do.. as if I have a choice right?? Haha I got to play host...

Just got a bad new today... disappointing in fact as I just lost a frenz.. actually not my frenz.. is my frenz's frenz in Malaysia who I only met once in KL over coffee.... a very nice person in fact... but too bad he is dead... he committed sucide two days ago over his gf... sad right?? I would nv understand why there are so many silly ppl in this world who will committ sucide and give up their precious life over the word LOVE.... I really wanna call that "CHI QING".. like what ppl always say.. loving someone means u are willing to even give up ur life for that person U love... if U are doing it in a honourable manner by saving ur gf/bf... I call that "CHI QINg".. it will surely touch me a lot to know that in the world there will be someone who will love me and protect me to the extent of even giving up his life for me... just to make sure nothing will ever happen to me... but to give up ur life over a failed relationship is toopidz... U love the person alot.. but that person dun even love U at all.. isn't it not worth... maybe she really regret it and find out that she really love U but U are already dead... she can cry for all she want over ur grave.. but she will move on to marry someone... memories will be there.. but it will no longer be of any importance at all at her wedding night... unless U tell me the ger also committ sucide in order to follow U in death I got nothing to say abt that... one failed relationship doesn't mean nothing better will come along.. maybe she is just not the right one.. maybe there is someone else better than her.. who is waiting for U.. but bloody hell.. U gave it up... looking in the short term but not the long term..... I have seen so many frenz gave up their life becoz of LOVE... horrible.... if U look into my precious blogs... I spoke abt another frenz who also died becoz of LOVE and I said I dun wan to see another one again... or attend another funeral... the next thing U know.. the same thing happen again.... what can I say?? Yah I know it is hard to get over a failed relationship, the misery in losing the someone U love.. but... still I have to insist it is not worth losing ur precious life for LOVE.... one can do fine without it... the most be like me... be upset and terrible for a few weeks or maybe months.. then things will be alright again.... I believe...

One closed door opens itself to another..... there is nothing in this world that will last forever.... U can't bring ur loved one and money to the grave... in Buddhist teachings, they always say such things are temporary.. U can well live without these things in life... one got to learn to let go... and not hold on to it...

Well U have went missing in my life... but I have to say thanks to U for going missing... becoz then I am able to stand up and move on by myself... yah I felt bad for the previous few weeks.. but I am slowly adapting myself again.... at least these few days I no longer need music to force myself to slp... I no longer dream of U... and even though I still think of U alot... at least now the thoughts do not linger in my mind for too long... memories are scary sometimes.. they fade off with time... the memories of U are fading off gradually which I believe I shld be thankful for it... even though I lost a gd frenz but I still have to say I will nv be able to forget U... U will always have a place in my heart as well as in my mind.. as part of my memories becoz I once promise U before i will nv forget u... I stand by my promise even though U also did promise me before we will stay in contact no matter what and U will nv forget me... but anyway thanks for playing a part in my life... thanks for everything that U have given me... thanks for teaching me so much and increasing my knowledge about so many things... Cheers..

Thoughts of YOU

Thoughts of U everywhere I go.. every min of my life.... the more I try to keep U out the more U come back into my life...

I went past the Ritz Carlton yesterday and I remember the story that U told me about.. the one night stay that U planned for her birthday... at that time I thought wow.. how romantic of U to do that for ur ex.. I also hope one day I will have the chance to enjoy that one moment of pampering like your one and only princess...(U used to call me princess.. will I still hear that from U now??)... but thoughts of U and ur ex being happy together flood back into my memories... how happy U will be....

Then we went past NYDC... where we had dinner once.. I went to watch the movie "Shen Hua" a movie which U promise U will watch with me.... but that will nv be fulfilled now... U promise U will celebrate my birthday for me this year.. will you still?? U asked me not to be silly.. U will nv forget me in ur life... U will also remember me... and U will surely celebrate my birthday for me.. will you stand by whatever U have said??? I seriously doubt so... while watching the movie.. during the part where they are fighting the war... I thought of U again... I asked you before a question what will u do if Singapore ever goes to war... and U told me so much abt what U will do...the funni thing is I cannot remember the safe combination between U and me but I can rememeber every single thing that U ever told me... surprise right??? U are also surprised that I still remember your entire schedule for the week even though U just told me once... but I would nv want Singapore to go to war because thoughts of U going into the battlefield simply scare me to the bones... considering how much U protect all your mens... I would think of so much U will be doing to stand by ur responsibilities in protecting them by all means...

I went to play badminton today... so much wanted U to come along... but I nv asked U and I believe U wun come too... anyway damn it.. I broke my toe nails.. damn it... it is bleeding even though I only noiced the blood when I got home 6 hours later.. toopidz right..?? It is not just those simple wounds... half of my toe skin is exposed... without the protection of the nail as the breakage just simple tore the whole nail off... damn it.. I have no idea what happen... anyway badminton was good... haha...

I was watching the news today and they showed one Cambodia kid with serious scoliosis problem. I used to hate my spine problem because it caused me so much in life... I am not able to do so many things that I wanted to do, I am not able to look pretty and beautiful like all other gers.... no curves no breast.. no nothing but a distorted body figure... (sometimes I think it is becoz of my external appearance that is why U didn;t choose me over ur EX... becoz U told me U like so much abt her style of dressing, her looks, her laughter, her smile, her company...) I was sad...U told me b4 U and her started off as a chance... then U ended up falling in love with her everything... as she slowly moved into ur life....I would understand why you prefer her company as compared to mine.. U two have so much things to talk abt...there is so much things for her to tell U... and U are willing to open up ur heart to her.. to tell her everything that is going through your mind.. that is something I will nv be able to do... u are nv willing to open up in front of me even if I asked... u will just wave it off with a word nothing... there are times when I feel that there are things u wanna to tell me or U are thinking abt that I would have to probe for b4 you are willing to tell me.... that is just what I am so sick and tired of... I nv understand U at all.... that why I said U are just too difficult to understand becoz U dun let me understand U..... I told U before I have nothing to offer except for my character and personality... and U said all U wanna is a simple gal... and U dun goes for looks.. rubbish.... but anyway.. I told myself before I will not be brought down becoz of my scoliosis problem.. there are far more ppl in a worse situation than me... who am I compared to what they have to suffer?? At least I get to behave like a normal person... and look like a normal person.. there are so many ppls out there who can't cover their disabilities and they live on with it... the person who truly love me is someone who do not goes for my external appearance (which is by the way something that nv last.. as humans grow old)... the person who truly love me loves me for who I really am... with or without the scoliosis problem... Thomas said to me.. too bad U make the wrong decision... becoz I am too good for U in every aspects... Thomas said I deserve better... Yah I think I deserve a guy who can accept me for who I am... because this is the only way a relationship will get to last eternally.....

It is a painful process to let U go.. but there are just so many reasons why U and me dun work.. I really dun see why I should cling on to something that I wun see a future in.. it is just like seeing a big hole in front of U.. and U still choose to jump right into it...in my case I have choosed to jump.. i thought maybe U and me will be able to work out... but U regretted ur decision and U didn't jump along with me... staying on the edge not even bothering to give me a helping hand... upon seeing U make up ur decision, there is nothing I can do but to continue my fall *sadz & disappointed*... luckily there is a branch in mid hill to break my fall.. now it just depends on how I am going to get back up again.... in this case will the final winner belong to the BRAIN or the HEART???

Dreams are scary...

Dreams are scary... now then I realise.. dreams in the past dun mean anything to me.... I can dream abt anything everything on earth and it doesn't signify anything at all coming back to the realisitic world... but these couple of days... I realise how scary dreams can be... the more I dun want to think about U... somehow after successfully forcing myself to fall asleep... I would dream of U... there is no one day which I will not wake up in the middle of the night because I dreamt of U... I dun wish for the dream to continue... I must wake myself up to tell myself.. whatever happening is just a dream... a beautiful dream that will nv happen... the same goes for tonight.. I am real busy after running around the entire day... I failed miserably in my attempt of trying not to sms you.. in the end I got myself all disappointed and fed up when U didn't reply... so I said fine... I will go to sleep as I am real tired... went to sleep at 11pm plus... then i dreamt abt U.. so I woke up.. now I can't sleep becoz my brains is filled with thoughts of U...

It seems that the harder U try to forget the person, the harder U remember him.... I tried all means and ways to forget U... tried making myself hate U by telling myself maybe U are with another ger now... maybe U have another target.. maybe U are just a cassanova playing around with gers' hearts... maybe U are with ur ex now... tried telling myself I am alright being single even before your appearance... I tried consoling myself saying that I dun wan to lose a frenz like U.. therefore I rather keep U as a frenz than lose U forever... we can still be good frenz like the past.... I will still be there for U whenever U need me although nowadays U dun seem to need me that much anymore.. maybe U found someone else to replace the position... maybe nowadays U are going out with her... like u did with me in the past... a late night movie plus supper until 2 or 3 in the mrning.. i remember when we are going out.. you also nv replied to ur sms or calls at all...

Went to watch "Shen Hua" today... and my brother keep on playing the theme song... so disturbing.. becoz it is too touching.... ok go listen to my Bossa Nova... maybe I will be able to fall asleep again... I dunno how long this is going to continue for...