Verge of breakdown

I think I am on a verge of a serious nervous breakdown.. so serious that even sitting in front of the computer staring at my wallpaper plus scrrensaver can make me cry.... tears falling down my cheeks... dun ask me why.. becoz I dun even know it myself.. I have no idea why my mood suddenly change from gd to bad within a difference of one day... one day I am happily enjoying myself at Jurong Bird Park and the other day from then on.. bad weather all the way... previous few days I have too much things on my mind.. but I tried not to think abt it... I tried to keep my brains blank... it is now in a state of blankness... yet I am still upset and depressed... I am not thinking abt anything at all.. trust me... seriously I dunno why is wrong with me..... there are things that I need to rethink abt my life but for the moment I am not thinking abt them at all.... noone can help me in this except me myself... I just wish to be alone too.... maybe a few days later things will pass.. I noe thoughts snowball... and nothing seems to go well when U are in a down mood.. exactly what is happening to me.. but I have no strength psysically and mentally to stop it... or maybe I am just too lz...

Rethinking life...

Seriously rethinking and reconstructing my life... there is just something very much wrong with it... I have everything a ger would want and ask for but I am not happy.. there is just something lacking in my life that is not giving me the happiness that I badly need.... but what is it? It is not that I am not satisfied with my life.. I am very satisfied with it.. but I am not happy?? Being satisfied and being happy in my life is just two very different things that U can't mix them together... even though ppl say U are not satisfied... U are greedy and that is why U dun treasure the present and still ask for more... and that is why U are not happy... maybe humans in life just keep on pursuing things continously that they simply ignore the present... and when that happens, u forever think something is lacking... and u continue to ur endless search for it...

I am not happy becoz I have no money, no shelter, no food, no love, no achievements... in fact I have them all... money doesn't play an impt role in my life anyway... I am proud of my own achievements... I have all the basic items in life... I have achieved a high enough education qualifications, I have done a job that give me a great sense of responsibility and achievement which ppl have high expectations of me to succeed in... ppl recognise in me my strengths and my achievements.. but there is something else.... I need a life I guess... my own life...

Frankly speaking.. I am like a bird in a cage for too long... I have become too dependant on others.. on my parents, on my frenz and on my bf that I no longer live life for myself... in fact even if u take off my chains and set me free from the cage, I dunno how to survive in the real world and will soon die... yet it seems like there is no point for me walking out of the cage that I have been so used to... since they are both the same... inside the cage I have everything but I long for a free life outside... but when I get the free life, I can't survive even for one day... i will die of loneliness... now I know how scary loneliness can be... and I scare to be alone... with noone to turn to... and that is the reason why even without chains.. until now I still do not dare to fly out of my cage... maybe u can say I have been too sheltered in my life.. by my parents and bf... now come to think of it.. it is true... ppl always see me as a independant ger who can well take care of myself...

admit it.. I am just a pathetic dependant ger who rely on others for support, help, care and concern and is terribly scared of loneliness... dun ask me where is that strong cheerful independant and happy go lucky me.. that is just a false front all along...

Brand New Life

Sometimes I really wish I can just give up my life in Singapore, move to some island paradise near the beach where noone know me and start a brand new life over again... maybe this way I can find the real me... maybe this way I can make new frenz who identify with the true Christina.... this way I dun have to compromise myself anymore... to be what I don't think I am... maybe this way I will be happier than now... when I am compromising myself to please everyone around me....

I have a complicated history but without those I will nv be who I am now... I have been bad once... smoke, take drugs.. (only once as a trial), fight, participate in gangs and illegal gatherings.... a very rebellious me who is completely unfilial to my parents... who talk back at them and even fight back... who totally dun listen to anyone's advice.. but I have changed for the better.... I have come to my senses... and those experiences have taught me how to become a better person... and now I respect my parents and eldery seniors even more...

A fortune teller once told me... my entire life.. I will always be taking care of ppl... but ppl seldom take care of me... and I will have alot of peach blossoms (tao hua) in my life.. which is true.. I am not pretty, have no figure.. but there are alot of memorable relationships in my life until now... 3 most significant... one when I was abt 15... with this guy called HuiQiang.. frankly.. I believe I am seriously in love with him at that point of time... it is a very draggy relationship... break and patch for many times in 3 yrs... also the first guy that I brought to show my parents.. which shows how important he is in my heart.. even though I dun think he feel the same way for me too... the first guy who gotten beaten up for me.. and the first guy that I got beaten up for... damn funni thinking back.. but even until now.. I still hope to be able to meet up with him one day... just to know what have he been doing nowadays.. still living a rotten lifestyle or maybe he has also changed for the better after coming out from boys' home. I dated a guy named Eugene who is 29yrs old when I am abt 19... older than me by 10 yrs old... he got along great with my parents surprisingly... but the relationship was short.. only lasted for 2 weeks... although we maintained contact after that... I remembered when he broke up with me for no reasons at all... my mum hugged me and cried with me.... all along I know he is nv serious with me anyway... then there was this guy called Eric.. who I dated and worked with in Canto for abt half a yr... he took great care of me.. and my relationship with him was the very first long steady relationship that lasted over a yr... his mum liked me alot.. always ask me to go over and cook nice food for me.. she know what I like to eat.. and for a period of time.. I stayed over every night... but I really dunno why I liked him and how the relationship can be managed for so long.. looking back he is totally not the guy I would ever dreamt myself to be with... then come Adrian.. my current bf.. we used to be so close at the beginning really... I missed those times but as years flies by.. things started changing.. maybe I am the only one that changes... or as we start to find out more about each other's personality and more importantly faults.. that is why the relationship starts to go downslope... it can nv be the same can it?

Gd Start, Bad Ending..

My day started off gd todae.. but it ended real bad... My staff got a big cut from breaking a glass... in the end have to go hospital for stitches... dun ask me how she got that toopidz big cut that bleed nonstop... and in the end I got to write a report on what happened... and have to submit a claim for 200+ medical expenses... damn it...even I myself also dunno how she manage to do so... and this incident just simply put me in a foul mood for the rest of the days... becoz when one thing go wrong.. everything follows... and that is exactly what happen.. whatever my bf say.. simply pissed me off... so I say when I am in a bad mood.. just leave me alone... in fact he nv even say anything... he is just a bit too lagging and took such a long time to understand what I am saying.... somehow he nv understand anyway.... maybe my moods just change too fast like the weather or my personality and character is just too hard to keep track.... maybe I am better off alone by myself....... at least I just piss myself off.... and get myself all angry and frustered.... since noone can ever understand how I feel and what I do.... what I wanna hear and what I wanna do... maybe this way my life will work out easily too... becoz in fact I dun even understand myyself.. how do I expect others to understand me...?? not even my bf does.. forget abt the rest... noone do....

There are too much things on my mind now... my grandpa's illness, my mum who is getting herself sick and all worried about my grandpa... my work, my love life, my sickness etc... U noe what.. I think I noe what I wanna and what I need to do.. but I dun have the courage to do so... my family is a burden that I will have to carry no matter what.... I have to be strong for the sake of supporting the whole family.. I can't collapse becoz everyone might just crumble along with me..... especially for my mum.... I wanna spend more time with my grandpa... it hurts me to see him suffering due to the illness... it hurts to see that noone is willing to take care of him... as everyone is so busy with their own work and family committments.... it is sad when U have so many daughters and sons.... so many son in laws and daughter in laws.. so many grandchildrens but yet... so little ppl are truly by his side... so little ppl truly express their worries and concerns for him.... i gotten handover to mark.. and try and ensure everything will be alright in the store after I leave... and am very worried on how to break the news to the staffs... just two of them noe abt it now and they are already so very the upset abt it.. I really dunno abt the rest... maybe on my last day I will just end up crying and not bearing to leave the shop that I have grown to love and hate at the same time...

My love life.. what can I say..? It is true humans are nv and will nv be satisfied but am I really asking too much..? All I need is someone who cares for me.. who pamper me like a princess... who is always there for me whether I need him or not... someone who I can show the soft side of me and let my strong side take a rest... but I can't... to him I am always that independant ger that he promise to give freedom to..

Missing Some1

My fav grandpa is lying on a hospital bed in KL now.. and I can't go and visit him... I can't go on leave... which is a sad thing but what to do... I am so sad that I went to the seaside yesterday and cried myself out... drink and cried... Dun feel like talking much to anyone these few days.... just feel like enclosing myself in my own world.. maybe this way I wun be hurt... by how cruel this world is.... maybe this way I will nv realise how hurt and painful I feel... Dun even feel like thinking about anything... becoz pure thinking about anything makes me feel like crying...... I wanna make myself numb.... dun feel anything at all.. which is working I guess.. becoz I cutted and burned myself seriously on my hand and finger today and I didnt realise the pain until many hours later... when I saw the big red swollen patch on my hand...

I seriously missed someone.. a very gd frenz of me.. who I nv spoke to for a long time.......... he didn't play a big role in my part... he is not someone who I go to when I have problems or troubles to speak to... not someone whose shoulders I would wanna cry on... not someone special who I can't live without.... maybe he dun even treat me as a gd frenz.. maybe just someone passing thru his life... but I missed him.... I missed the small roles that he played in my life... the times that we spent together supporting and encouraging each other thru studies....

Maybe I am feeling especially lonely late in the night.... listening to a sad song... thinking about my grandpa.... how many people really know abt the true me... the determinded and strong independant ger actually do have a soft side.... a side of me that will feel lonely, that need someone to pamper her... to hug her.. to encourage and support her,.. to talk to... sometimes all I need is some1 to hug me and tell me everything is alright.... but why am I always the one to do so... and noone to do it to me... does anyone care or everyone think I can very well take care of myself... I am a GER.. does anyone realise that fact?

New Beginning..

I am going to lose my job soon.. but I know I will be very much happier than before...Just thinking about it make me smile... one of my new year resolution is not to make any compromises to my life this year... and I believe I have achieved my first very step in achieving that resolution... in stepping out... I will make myself more happier...

All along I have always compromise myself to help others... in the end making myself unhappy. I stayed behind in work to help others in need... which means I need to work longer hours... ppl might think hey U dun need to do that.. yah I am toopidz and that is why I am unhappy.... that is why I am so depressed and stressful.. but I will soon be walking out of it.. and moving on to a new pharse of my life.. which I can;t wait...

There are so many things out there that I want to achieve..... doing more research and coming out with more research articles... continuing with my masters or at least branch out to other areas.. in fact I am thinking of doing a diploma on sport and wellness.. or a leadership course... hehe... I have always wanna to do that when I was young... but nv went ahead to do so because there wasn't any future in such careers... finished my swimming courses.... U noe in life it is not money that matters the most but what U wanna to achieve... What U wannna in ur life... and what makes u happy... the most impt thing is to stay happy... isn't it? I have learned that forcing myself to pursue something just for the sake of money doesn't bring any happiness... U got to do something that U like... Although I am still looking for the ultimate perfect lifestyle.. I believe I will achieve it one day... maybe not in Sg but in OZ.. hehe... there are endless opportunities for me to explore out there... and I can't wait to do so... take up courses and continue my endless quest for knowledge and education.. hehe

Why can't I leave??

I simply simply hate it.. I met a nasty customer on Fri at one of the store.. who bloody hell wrote a 2 page email to my HQ to complain about my rude and disrespectful service.. when it seems that he is the only one that say so... but anyway.. he complain over a cup of coffee for $2.80... oh come on.. ang mohs exprats surely can afford much more than a $2.80 coffee right? He say he is a senior mgr of a airline company somemore.. if U noe how tough the service line is U dun do such crappy things against ppl in the same industry... wanna buy one coffee get one coffee free... go knock ur toopidz donkey head against the wall la..

Anyway I am so fed up... I wanna resign... I am so sick and tired of the F&B industry as much as I used to like it in the past... but the company just wun let me go.... kaos... I wanna go for a one week holiday.. a proper holiday this time.. bring a whole library of books to the beach... and read and slp the whole day thru for one week. I can't wait... and I am very determined this time to get out of this company......... not becoz the company is not gd.. but the customers are damn fucked up... and I think I have reached the end of my limits... shldnt compromise myself anymore... before one day I will throw a knife at a customer and chop him or her into pieces...

Anyway... I would be updating my blog soon... getting quite tired of the colour... and design... and I add a new tagboard.. which I dun think many ppl realise that anyway.. becoz it is hidden at the bottom.. no choice.. I got no where else to put it.. so slot it there for the meantime la... so come on ppl chat to me.. I am so lonely and bored talking to a computer everyday le..