Moving on...

I keep on telling myself, persuading myself, convincing myself, repeating to myself, knocking it into my head a hundred and a thousand times.. I must be strong... I must not be vulnerable... I must not show my soft side... I must not be silly..... I must not be soft hearted...I must keep myself occupied, I must not think back about the past.. I must move on... I must be true to my feelings... I must not regret any decisions that I have made in the past... I will live a better life from now on... I will find someone better..... I must not let loneliness kill me.... I must not crumble in face to difficuilty.... But I realise no matter how much times i keep on repeating to myself, trying very hard to convince myself.. it does not work.....

OH MY GOD what kind of person have I become? Possesive?? Dependant? Soft? Indecisive? Depression? Who am I to have the right to hold on to you like this.... why am I doing all these? U are noone to me.... I got to stop all these... I can move on by myself.. I have always been strong... I can do it by myself.. I dun need U to be there in my life to move on.... Yes I dun.....I am pretty sure I can do it...From today onwards... that is exactly what I am going to do....

Guys Logic

Haha.. guys in my life belong to two extremes.... on one side is the "save save save until stingy" guy... but mostly belong to the "spend today think tomorrow" type who will end up spending more than they can afford.. their logic is "I earn my own money which shld be used in pampering myself and enjoying life"... yah.. I also love to enjoy life and pamper myself.. but there is always a limit right?? .... oh my god.. can they ever strike a balance?? Know how to save money.... it is a virtue to know how to save.. but spend in a sensible manner... know what are the priorities in life.. guys surely have to save more than gals of coz because they need it for marriage, for house and stuffs... U are the breadwinner.. how can U spend to the max U earn.. haiz.. sad case u know... because there are alot of my frenz who are nice but their spending logic is just simply too much to accept...at least too much for me to accept.. I think a guy shld be sensible in their spending... plan for the future... allocate a nice sum of money to savings and spend whatever remaining....

I realise I am ultra sensitive to guys now... I went out with a guy frenz the other day and he is like one of those perfect gentleman type.. open door for ger... even open my can drink for me.. can U believe it?? Hahaha.. at that moment I was like "wow woah" I dunno if I shld laugh or cry.. because all along I wanna a guy like that... like so sweet. but thinking back.. a bit pathetic right.. if a lady can't even open a can drink by herself and need her guy frenz or boyfrenz to open a can drink for her?? Humans are contridicting.. haha

Fickle Minded..

I did a test today... and one sentence in the result said "U will fall easily in love with anyone who U can get along well with and whoever treat U well but it is only one sided thinking on ur part". WAT!!!?? I dun understand.. does it mean that I am fickle minded..?? Does it mean that I am too loose..?? What does it mean..?? I am surrounded by guys frenz.. some who I am very close with like Leon, Shi An, Chia He... do I love every single one of them because all of them treat me well.. there are a couple of guys who I click well with.. does it mean that I like them..?? OH MY GOD... that spell disaster U noe... Haha.. maybe I shld stay away from guys... But I might be a lesbian because there are a couple of galfrenz that I clicked well with too... hahahaha... Maybe I shld be alone.. then my heart will have no targets to shoot at... hahaha.... yayaya.. that sounds right.... if not I wun be that miserable now... like someone but can't get into his heart... tried to pull out but can't... in the middle of nowhere... I hate that feeling.... simply hate it to the core.... I always knew it is hard for two hands to clap... usually it is only one sided... but still... it takes time... shit I am becoming like Leon... trying to fly too fast on the CONCORDE... hahaha... haven't learn how to crawl wanna to learn how to run.... relationships need time to develop... need time to understand.. U can nv rush into things... rushing into things only spell trouble.. yappy yup...

Does anybody understand what I am saying.. yah becoz I am just mumbling rubbish to myself.. kindly ignore this entry... hahaha

Boat Quay

Went to Boat Quay today to meet up with a friend of mine... that is one of the places that I have been avoiding ever since the break up 3 mths ago.. it brought back too much memories.. memories that I have been trying very hard to dump behind my brains...

It is the place that he worked at... during weekdays as much as I can, I tried and avoid Raffles City MRT and the surrounding areas... I can't meet up with him... I dunno what to do in such situations... during weekends I still tried and avoid the various places that we used to hang out together... because I dun wanna to think about him anymore... Dun ask me why because I have no gd answer for you...

But anyway.. after I met up with my frenz... and after he went off to do his stuffs.. I am supposed to go home.. but the night is still young and considering that I haven't been out at night for a very long time.. I decided to go have a late night coffee at Coffee Bean Boat Quay alone.. it is weird to sit at the same place where me and him used to hang out.. alone now.. watching couples walking past.. watching couples around me engaging in the beautiful night scenary and their romantic sweet talk... 6 yrs ago.. that was the place where me and him always go for coffee... 6 yrs now... I am sitting at the same place alone... how contridicting... i love drama serials and in love drama serials U always see the main leads going back to the places where their love blossomed and remember all the happy times they have... I'll been avoiding such situations but today.... it was a seriously wrong move.. I shld have just went back home... I just realise how pathetic I am... sitting there alone in the midst of lovey couples... I love the Coffee Bean at Starbucks... we always have coffee there... that was the place where we first went drinking... and where our love started blossoming after the drunk incident... now I finally realise why after so long I prefer to stay at home then to go anywhere else on my off days...

My frenz asked me to move on... aren;t I moving on?? What am i holding back for?? I shld really stop this..maybe one day I will find the courage to step out of the darkness... maybe one day I will be able to laugh again like the past...

To that someone out there...

I admit I am disappointed when U happily told me that u finally got her as your gf.... I ask U how did U manage to do so... and U told me it is a long story and U dun want to talk abt it.. I am glad U didn't... becoz the more U say abt her.. the deeper my heart sink to the ground... I noe I dun have the right to do so... and I noe being your gd buddy I shld be happy for you that U finally found the one that U love so much and is willing to give up ur entire life for her.... I am happy... truly.. really from the bottom of my heart.. I know she is the one who can really make U happy.. like what U told me.. she lights up ur life... give ur life colours right?? But I have to admit... for that moment... my heart dropped... I think I am silly.. I dun love U... but why do I have such a feeling of wanting to hold on to U... I noe U and I will nv be a match... our characters, our lifes, our qualifications are way too apart from each other... U are nv the guy that I want and I am nv the gal that U would ever go for... but still I have no idea what am I thinking and what is going thru my mind... am I jealous becoz U got a gf and I dun? Am I sad becoz I like U but even though I know we are not right together.. U nv give me a chance to prove my theory wrong... maybe we can always work things out (yah right.. crap... nothing ever work out..).. maybe I am just feeling inbalanced becoz I didn;t get what I wanted...?? Maybe I dun wish to lose you as a gd frenz... am I angry becoz U used to spend time chit chatting with me and now all U have is ur gf on ur mind.... that U forgot abt ur single buddy?? U asked me to go back to Deli... I would seriously love to... but I can't imagine facing U and ur gf... I dunno if I can forever control my weird feelings towards you and nv let it show... I dun want to let you see the sad look on my face whenever U spoke abt her... whenever U told me U are going to fetch her off work and meet up with her... I wanna to share ur happiness and unhappiness... I say I would let it go if it is nv meant to be mine... I can do it... anyway I believe U will nv truly know how I feel becoz U have no time to read this blog anymore... haha... u are so bz with deli and ur gf... what else do u have time for besides slping... I wish I can tell u straight in the face she is not the one for U... but would U listen to me?? U are so deeply in love with her... U hope u are her last bf in her life... U love her more than she love U... usually such guys get hurt in the end.. haha... woman are trouble.. they can nv get in touch with what they want and what they feel.... as much as I wan to say.. why didn;t U give me a chance and see if this relationship work out... I think i am able to understand you better than others... I wun ask for a chance becoz I know chances wun work.. it nv do... All the best to U.... and ur relationship... from the very bottom of my heart.... My relationship dun work... doesn't mean that urs wun... so gd luck... truly..