Ya... I think I am really driving myself nuts...
I missed him sooo much... last week I was away to Batu Pahat for my grandpa's birthday dinner... and I only managed to rush back to SG and meet him for less than 6 hours on Sun night....
Yesterday night he went out for dinner with his clients... and after that went to drink... I was so sick I could hardly stay awake in bed to wait for him to get home.. but before I went to sleep, I got him to promise me that he will sms me when he reach home... in the end I woke up at 4am in the mrning in a shock to realise there isnt any sms on my mobile...... first thought that came to my mind... he must have drank so much, got so drunk and reached home sooo late that he didnt remember / didnt manage to sms me.... after that, I drifted in and out of slp for the remaining of the early mrning.. until 8 when I smsed him to double check he is safe and sound... and i got a reply from him and I was so relieved to see that... after making sure he got to work safely at 9am.. I went back to slp... and this time i managed to crash in till 12noon....
He gave me a call around afternoon when he was at work.. as he was busy, we didnt get to talk much... i didnt want to disturb him during his work too as he needs lots of concentration to prevent errors and mistakes... so the next time we spoke it was ard 4pm when he got home after work... he said he want to go rest for a while.. and ya i agreed that he should really go and take a rest.. considering that he got back home so late last night, and only managed to get so little slp before having to wake up again for a long stretch of work early this morning.... and he got a wedding dinner to attend ard 7pm tonight so he should need all the rest he can....
Now that he is away attending his frenz wedding dinner... i really miss him alot.... i really dunno... maybe i am just so used to having him besides me whenever he or I go.. so now that we are doing things seperately on our own, by ourselves... I just cant put myself to ease.. blame it on my wild imagination, blame it on my low confidence... blame it on whatever... even though he will tell me where is he going, and what is he doing...
i dunno...thoughts are running wild in my mind.. is he drinking alot now.. is he drunk now... is he safe.... is he tired... is he talking properly... smoking i know i cant control.. there is just this horrible fear whenever he drinks especially without me by his side... in fact he did change... i know he only drinks occasionally now.. seriously he dun drink as often as he used to... only once or twice a month when he meet up with his frenz etc... but i am scared whenever he go drinking with his frenz.. somehow everything will spun out of control and he will always end up drinking too much.... i cant imagine.. really...
Am i not understanding enough??
I cant control him right, can I? I do expect to go out with my frenz too.. even though not to drink... I do expect to have my own freedom sometimes too... I also threw him alone in Singapore over the weekend to go back to Batu Pahat especially when he is not working both on Sat & Sun... and he got to spend both days alone at home without me... So this is only one Fri and Sat when he has his own activities planned out... I cant complain right??
I think the missing element is just too strong beyond my control... so strong until I become selfish... so strong until I want him for my own.... so strong it is driving me nuts...
