Me, Jerry & Daddy In Surfers Paradise
Thursday, December 30, 2004
Stepping into 2005 & looking back at 2004
Normally ppl only start looking back on the very last day of the year.. I think I am early by one day.. but what the hack... do I look as if I care... Haha.. time really flies very fast... I am back in SG for one yr liao... didn't realise I have been back for so long.. but my missing for OZ is still on and off thou... within this one year.. I think I have been busy with work and work still... this whole year is practically dedicated to work ba...
A few memorable moments: Tioman, Australia Graduation Trip.... The rest are basically insignificant.. haha... Tioman was the prettiest place I have ever been in Malaysia... and most importantly.. it was the ppl that I went with... my Deli collegues.. they are superb onz... haha.. they make the whole trip so fun for me... not at all boring... a couple of things did happen at Tioman thou... which is not nice to remember and I also dun wish to remember it much but I guess it will always been inprinted in my heart so let just try and dump it back to the dumpster...
Australia Graduation... this yr I finally achieved one of my highest achievements in history.. haha... a degree... still can't believe I actually manage to achieve that.. to think I was just about to drop out of secondary school? Haha... but I managed to do that with the support of my buddies in OZ too.. they pushed me along the way.. haha... But I bet they chiong and drink with me more.. haha... we hanged out at night chatting, playing mahjong, eating late dinners... cooking... haha.. making a mess of our kitchen... It was nice... I brought my dad to Australia... to see how I live there.. I bet he is surprised how I manage to survive alone overseas for so long... haha... Jerry and me brought him around Brissy, Gold Coast and Toowoomba.. Jerry was my dedicated driver together with his khaki Andy.. haha.. thanks to both of them... my whole trip managed to run smoothly and comfortably for my dad... but I have fun too.. hehe...
Still in the midst of accummulating work experiences... I hope I can survive long enough.... haha... sounds negative but frankly I guess everyone is tired... and everyone hope to get a better job, better treatments, better benefits right?? Haha.. Let hope 2005 will be a better year in work...although my horoscope don't agree... arghhh... My horoscope says I will be in bad luck for 2005... in work, in my love life and even my family... arghh... what will happen??? Just when I hope things can become better... just when I wanna start life anew and live a brand new life, a brand new me.... a better me, a real me.. I really hope I can start living my life for myself... be happier... can I??
My grandpa who is very close with me in Malaysia is down with a very bad illness... docs predict he wun be able to survive until the end of next yr... so I have a bad feeling 2005 will be a yr when someone close to me will go... I can see he is trying very hard to push himself on... he got very strong determination even for his age at 80+... he is trying to push himself on until next yr... he knows very well that if one day he go, the whole family tree will collapse... everyone will be so sad.. he has always been the main support for the whole family.. I am heartbroken when I saw him during my last visit a few days ago... sometimes ppl only realise how important someone really is when u are at the verge of losing him/her...
Went back to Malaysia, my cousin (same age as me) who got married last yr or this yr (can't rem) brought her daughter back to my grandma's place... arghh... her daughter call me auntie..... sob sob... seeing her, her husband and her daughter being so happy together.. I really wish if one day I get married I will have the same family portrait too... but... that day got to wait long long huh... hehe... I just wanna be single now and enjoy my life ... without being tied down... contridicting myself... I noe... haha...
All the best for 2005!!!! Hehe... but I wanna get myself drunk on the first day of 2005... that is my way of celebrating... haha
A few memorable moments: Tioman, Australia Graduation Trip.... The rest are basically insignificant.. haha... Tioman was the prettiest place I have ever been in Malaysia... and most importantly.. it was the ppl that I went with... my Deli collegues.. they are superb onz... haha.. they make the whole trip so fun for me... not at all boring... a couple of things did happen at Tioman thou... which is not nice to remember and I also dun wish to remember it much but I guess it will always been inprinted in my heart so let just try and dump it back to the dumpster...
Australia Graduation... this yr I finally achieved one of my highest achievements in history.. haha... a degree... still can't believe I actually manage to achieve that.. to think I was just about to drop out of secondary school? Haha... but I managed to do that with the support of my buddies in OZ too.. they pushed me along the way.. haha... But I bet they chiong and drink with me more.. haha... we hanged out at night chatting, playing mahjong, eating late dinners... cooking... haha.. making a mess of our kitchen... It was nice... I brought my dad to Australia... to see how I live there.. I bet he is surprised how I manage to survive alone overseas for so long... haha... Jerry and me brought him around Brissy, Gold Coast and Toowoomba.. Jerry was my dedicated driver together with his khaki Andy.. haha.. thanks to both of them... my whole trip managed to run smoothly and comfortably for my dad... but I have fun too.. hehe...
Still in the midst of accummulating work experiences... I hope I can survive long enough.... haha... sounds negative but frankly I guess everyone is tired... and everyone hope to get a better job, better treatments, better benefits right?? Haha.. Let hope 2005 will be a better year in work...although my horoscope don't agree... arghhh... My horoscope says I will be in bad luck for 2005... in work, in my love life and even my family... arghh... what will happen??? Just when I hope things can become better... just when I wanna start life anew and live a brand new life, a brand new me.... a better me, a real me.. I really hope I can start living my life for myself... be happier... can I??
My grandpa who is very close with me in Malaysia is down with a very bad illness... docs predict he wun be able to survive until the end of next yr... so I have a bad feeling 2005 will be a yr when someone close to me will go... I can see he is trying very hard to push himself on... he got very strong determination even for his age at 80+... he is trying to push himself on until next yr... he knows very well that if one day he go, the whole family tree will collapse... everyone will be so sad.. he has always been the main support for the whole family.. I am heartbroken when I saw him during my last visit a few days ago... sometimes ppl only realise how important someone really is when u are at the verge of losing him/her...
Went back to Malaysia, my cousin (same age as me) who got married last yr or this yr (can't rem) brought her daughter back to my grandma's place... arghh... her daughter call me auntie..... sob sob... seeing her, her husband and her daughter being so happy together.. I really wish if one day I get married I will have the same family portrait too... but... that day got to wait long long huh... hehe... I just wanna be single now and enjoy my life ... without being tied down... contridicting myself... I noe... haha...
All the best for 2005!!!! Hehe... but I wanna get myself drunk on the first day of 2005... that is my way of celebrating... haha
Saturday, December 25, 2004
Depression on Christmas....
This yr Christmas doesn't seem to be a big deal to me anymore.. as compared to previous years.. no countdown parties, no Christmas dinners, no Christmas exchanging of presents.... No nothing... I just simply dun feel like talking to anyone or going anywhere.... Just thinking of having to step out and squeeze with thousands of other strangers.. It is crazy.. this world has always been crazy... actually I just wanna make myself drunk alone and live thru another day... very unlike me... becoz last time I would wanna so much to go out and enjoy that special atmostphere... but haiz.. I have no idea what got to me this season.. Just dun like the idea of going out with frenz and having to force myself to laugh and smile.. when I simply can't. There are too much things on my mind and in my heart that I can frown at.. I guess noone will ever be able to understand those feelings...
Ask me why and what.. I have no idea too.. I think it is really time for me to take a gd break and think about what I really wanna out of life... before the new year 2005 start... I dun think I wanna get thru another one year of frowning... I wanna so much to smile and laugh. .. go out with my frenz and have fun.. rather than doing pure entertaining... forcing myself to laugh at jokes that are not funni.. thinking hard to find a topic to strike up a good and lasting conversation... surprisingly to realise I have been doing it alone... sorrie to my frenz reading this.. but.. I guess I just need to find the real me....
I have been a faking and lying person for so long... trying so hard to please everyone around me... trying to accommodate to everyone... make everyone happy BUT ME.... I have nv been happy for myself have I? Isn't that sad.. living my life for others but not myself..........?? I remember one frenz telling me b4... U live ur life for urself.. not others... sometimes humans living in this world just have to be selfish... becoz by trying not to hurt others.. U just end up hurting and tormenting urself to the extent.. what for? I didn't realise the bad situation until todae... I finally broke down and realise... how unhappy I have been trying so hard not to hurt anyone around me....
But ask me another question... what is the true me.... and I will reply another I dunno... I really dun. I dunno what is the real me, what I really wanna to do with my life, who I really like or love. I guess it is all part and puzzle of depression right?? There comes a time when U will pause and start to think about all these toopidz questions.. maybe I just have too much time on my hands... leaving my brains some times to do some ponderings and I ended up with such rubbish and crappy thoughts... I read a book saying that thoughts always snowball and become bigger and bigger.. that is exactly what is happening now....
There are alot of things going thru my mind now... someone told me b4.. those things that can be solve.. go ahead and solve it so as to get it out of ur mind... those things that cannot be solved... no use thinking much about it too.. all the things bothering me can be solved.... but I just can't go ahead and solve it becoz it involves alot of others' happiness and I just might hurt someone if I say something rude.... although it is the fact all along... but by trying hard not to hurt them now... will I hurt them more by dragging it along and hurting them more in the future..?? I really dunno.... I can't bring myself to do so... it will be too cruel... so.. how long will I have to continue doing so... continue to force myself to accommodate to my surroundings and giving up my own happiness for others...? Can I do it forever or will I break down again from all the burdens... why can't I just let go..??
Ask me why and what.. I have no idea too.. I think it is really time for me to take a gd break and think about what I really wanna out of life... before the new year 2005 start... I dun think I wanna get thru another one year of frowning... I wanna so much to smile and laugh. .. go out with my frenz and have fun.. rather than doing pure entertaining... forcing myself to laugh at jokes that are not funni.. thinking hard to find a topic to strike up a good and lasting conversation... surprisingly to realise I have been doing it alone... sorrie to my frenz reading this.. but.. I guess I just need to find the real me....
I have been a faking and lying person for so long... trying so hard to please everyone around me... trying to accommodate to everyone... make everyone happy BUT ME.... I have nv been happy for myself have I? Isn't that sad.. living my life for others but not myself..........?? I remember one frenz telling me b4... U live ur life for urself.. not others... sometimes humans living in this world just have to be selfish... becoz by trying not to hurt others.. U just end up hurting and tormenting urself to the extent.. what for? I didn't realise the bad situation until todae... I finally broke down and realise... how unhappy I have been trying so hard not to hurt anyone around me....
But ask me another question... what is the true me.... and I will reply another I dunno... I really dun. I dunno what is the real me, what I really wanna to do with my life, who I really like or love. I guess it is all part and puzzle of depression right?? There comes a time when U will pause and start to think about all these toopidz questions.. maybe I just have too much time on my hands... leaving my brains some times to do some ponderings and I ended up with such rubbish and crappy thoughts... I read a book saying that thoughts always snowball and become bigger and bigger.. that is exactly what is happening now....
There are alot of things going thru my mind now... someone told me b4.. those things that can be solve.. go ahead and solve it so as to get it out of ur mind... those things that cannot be solved... no use thinking much about it too.. all the things bothering me can be solved.... but I just can't go ahead and solve it becoz it involves alot of others' happiness and I just might hurt someone if I say something rude.... although it is the fact all along... but by trying hard not to hurt them now... will I hurt them more by dragging it along and hurting them more in the future..?? I really dunno.... I can't bring myself to do so... it will be too cruel... so.. how long will I have to continue doing so... continue to force myself to accommodate to my surroundings and giving up my own happiness for others...? Can I do it forever or will I break down again from all the burdens... why can't I just let go..??
Monday, December 20, 2004
24hrs ain enough for me...
Guess what time I woke up todae.... 5.30am in the mrning... and I only manage to get like 2 hrs of slp?? U cannot imagine how black and puffy my eyes are now... Off work at 11.30pm.. reached home abt 12.30... showered, brushed my teeth and washed my face 1am.... tried to slp... but can't until 3am in the mrning... this is crazy..... the worst is my brother woke me up then realise actually I am not needed to go fetch my cousins from the Woodlands checkpoint as they are arriving in SG todae mrning at 5.45am...
I bet they are tired because at 10am... they are both asleep.. except for me... with my eyes wide open.. trying to find something to do... yet nope... not even a single interesting game for me to play.... It is funni why ppl always have so much things uncompleted when they are busy.. when I am busy I seem to have thousands of other things that I need to do.. shows and VCDS to watch, games to play, books to read, room to clean up, clothes to wash yet when I am so free now.. I can't find anything to do... Boring sia...
I saw a couple of my frenz's blog.. they have songs, photos etc.. trying now to make mine as interesting.. at least I wun be seeing a boring blog acct with only words.... and photos... at least i manage to get my photos on... hope can play my favourite songs for U guys too... and put some of my fav wallpapers as background... cool... Too bad I am just not some IT nerds with the knowledge of HTML or programming codes.... If not I will do just that... haha
I bet they are tired because at 10am... they are both asleep.. except for me... with my eyes wide open.. trying to find something to do... yet nope... not even a single interesting game for me to play.... It is funni why ppl always have so much things uncompleted when they are busy.. when I am busy I seem to have thousands of other things that I need to do.. shows and VCDS to watch, games to play, books to read, room to clean up, clothes to wash yet when I am so free now.. I can't find anything to do... Boring sia...
I saw a couple of my frenz's blog.. they have songs, photos etc.. trying now to make mine as interesting.. at least I wun be seeing a boring blog acct with only words.... and photos... at least i manage to get my photos on... hope can play my favourite songs for U guys too... and put some of my fav wallpapers as background... cool... Too bad I am just not some IT nerds with the knowledge of HTML or programming codes.... If not I will do just that... haha
Saturday, December 04, 2004
Tired...and in need of LOVE...
I just finish doing my half monthly analysis report cum P&L analysis... it is so very the long and tiring.... on my eyes on my brains... sometimes I just wonder.. why am I loaded with paperworks that are the most ma fun to do one.. there must be something very wrong with me.. I guess...
At the same time I just finished watching a chinese drama series called "At the dolphin bay". Surprised that I still have time to watch vcds.. but hey I gave up alot of my beauty sleep to watch through the entire vcds k.. a lot of sleepless nights... BUT it is a very nice show... I am so touched... I cried from the very beginning of the show right to the end.. very the emotional yah I noe..
Sometimes even though a gal might look tough, determined and strong.. sometimes they just have their fragile moments don't they?? And every ger hope for the perfect guy to be by their side giving them the love that they need... but everyone is greedy right? I really like the guy in that show... and I simply feel the emotions that he went through when he got to give up the one that he always love and care for someone who is going to die.. who love him so much... I asked myself that question again.. would U choose to be with someone that love U more than U love him/her or someone who U love but dun love U as much... ??Even though he decide to give up his love for someone who love him yet he dun love.. he still care very much for the one he love.. silently supporting her throughout.. so wei da... I think such things only happen in shows and dramas but not in real life right..?
I do have someone who love me very much... sometimes after watching such romantic love stories.. I always tend to take his love for granted... comparing that he dun simply love me as much.. as what the guy will do.. hoping one day I will be able to find a guy like in the show... silly right...? Can't help it... it is every ger right to dream of their own prince charming no matter how much far fetched it can be from reality... true love will always find each other... is he my true love..? I think I will nv noe the answer to that qns... but still I thank him for being there when I need him... just like the guy who silently support the ger.. even though her love for him might not be that strong...
I have someone in my heart that I really love... alot in the past... but he has a gf... and he dun like me at all... even if he like me.. we can't be together... becoz our status is completely different from one another... traditional thinking when it come to status... this world is just so confusing...
At the same time I just finished watching a chinese drama series called "At the dolphin bay". Surprised that I still have time to watch vcds.. but hey I gave up alot of my beauty sleep to watch through the entire vcds k.. a lot of sleepless nights... BUT it is a very nice show... I am so touched... I cried from the very beginning of the show right to the end.. very the emotional yah I noe..
Sometimes even though a gal might look tough, determined and strong.. sometimes they just have their fragile moments don't they?? And every ger hope for the perfect guy to be by their side giving them the love that they need... but everyone is greedy right? I really like the guy in that show... and I simply feel the emotions that he went through when he got to give up the one that he always love and care for someone who is going to die.. who love him so much... I asked myself that question again.. would U choose to be with someone that love U more than U love him/her or someone who U love but dun love U as much... ??Even though he decide to give up his love for someone who love him yet he dun love.. he still care very much for the one he love.. silently supporting her throughout.. so wei da... I think such things only happen in shows and dramas but not in real life right..?
I do have someone who love me very much... sometimes after watching such romantic love stories.. I always tend to take his love for granted... comparing that he dun simply love me as much.. as what the guy will do.. hoping one day I will be able to find a guy like in the show... silly right...? Can't help it... it is every ger right to dream of their own prince charming no matter how much far fetched it can be from reality... true love will always find each other... is he my true love..? I think I will nv noe the answer to that qns... but still I thank him for being there when I need him... just like the guy who silently support the ger.. even though her love for him might not be that strong...
I have someone in my heart that I really love... alot in the past... but he has a gf... and he dun like me at all... even if he like me.. we can't be together... becoz our status is completely different from one another... traditional thinking when it come to status... this world is just so confusing...
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