This yr Christmas doesn't seem to be a big deal to me anymore.. as compared to previous years.. no countdown parties, no Christmas dinners, no Christmas exchanging of presents.... No nothing... I just simply dun feel like talking to anyone or going anywhere.... Just thinking of having to step out and squeeze with thousands of other strangers.. It is crazy.. this world has always been crazy... actually I just wanna make myself drunk alone and live thru another day... very unlike me... becoz last time I would wanna so much to go out and enjoy that special atmostphere... but haiz.. I have no idea what got to me this season.. Just dun like the idea of going out with frenz and having to force myself to laugh and smile.. when I simply can't. There are too much things on my mind and in my heart that I can frown at.. I guess noone will ever be able to understand those feelings...
Ask me why and what.. I have no idea too.. I think it is really time for me to take a gd break and think about what I really wanna out of life... before the new year 2005 start... I dun think I wanna get thru another one year of frowning... I wanna so much to smile and laugh. .. go out with my frenz and have fun.. rather than doing pure entertaining... forcing myself to laugh at jokes that are not funni.. thinking hard to find a topic to strike up a good and lasting conversation... surprisingly to realise I have been doing it alone... sorrie to my frenz reading this.. but.. I guess I just need to find the real me....
I have been a faking and lying person for so long... trying so hard to please everyone around me... trying to accommodate to everyone... make everyone happy BUT ME.... I have nv been happy for myself have I? Isn't that sad.. living my life for others but not myself..........?? I remember one frenz telling me b4... U live ur life for urself.. not others... sometimes humans living in this world just have to be selfish... becoz by trying not to hurt others.. U just end up hurting and tormenting urself to the extent.. what for? I didn't realise the bad situation until todae... I finally broke down and realise... how unhappy I have been trying so hard not to hurt anyone around me....
But ask me another question... what is the true me.... and I will reply another I dunno... I really dun. I dunno what is the real me, what I really wanna to do with my life, who I really like or love. I guess it is all part and puzzle of depression right?? There comes a time when U will pause and start to think about all these toopidz questions.. maybe I just have too much time on my hands... leaving my brains some times to do some ponderings and I ended up with such rubbish and crappy thoughts... I read a book saying that thoughts always snowball and become bigger and bigger.. that is exactly what is happening now....
There are alot of things going thru my mind now... someone told me b4.. those things that can be solve.. go ahead and solve it so as to get it out of ur mind... those things that cannot be solved... no use thinking much about it too.. all the things bothering me can be solved.... but I just can't go ahead and solve it becoz it involves alot of others' happiness and I just might hurt someone if I say something rude.... although it is the fact all along... but by trying hard not to hurt them now... will I hurt them more by dragging it along and hurting them more in the future..?? I really dunno.... I can't bring myself to do so... it will be too cruel... so.. how long will I have to continue doing so... continue to force myself to accommodate to my surroundings and giving up my own happiness for others...? Can I do it forever or will I break down again from all the burdens... why can't I just let go..??
