I remember I read a book before that say "Love is the more you want to hold on to it, the more you will lose it. Therefore love is a balance between being possesive yet not losing it". Suddenly this sentence make some meaning to me. Sometimes the more you are afraid of losing something, the more tighter you try to hold on to it. The thoughts of holding on get stuck in your mind making you panic in your mind but not wanting to show out how afraid you are. You start picking stones from an egg. You become suspicious because every single little thing he do or say seem to hint you that it is the end of the relationship. You lose your trust, you lose your confidence, you lose your communication and you lose your committment. It makes you tired. In the end you are just a miserable wreck. The book in the end say "Sometimes humans should learn how to let go. Becoz only by knowing that you cannot hold on to things forever, then you will know how to let go and take things easily. This way there wun be anything in this world that you would want to hold on to".
Yesterday night I sat in my bed thinking to myself. Why do everyone say I am grumpy. Why do everyone say I complained about my work. I remember someone telling me this before: "If one ppl come and tell you you have a problem yet noone else say or think the same thing, the problem lies with that person becoz he has a problem with you. But if a lot of ppl comes and tell you the same thing that you have a problem, it means the problem lies with you not with everyone else". So this time it become my problem not everyone else. Maybe that is something I need to change. If not I will just be going round and round in the same cycle over and over again in life.
I am just a simple, easily contented, dreamy gal. I thought this is what you like me for. My best buddy told me this before: "Humans got to learn how to be selfish in order to survive in the complicated and confusing world". I guess I finally decide to learn how to be selfish. I finally decide I want to be selfish yesterday night. Why should I always be taking care of others feelings and happiness when they dun even care a shit about mine? Why do I have to make sure whatever I do, others will be happy? Why do I have to live my life the way they want me to live my life so that they can be happy?? I thought I say before I no longer wanna to compromise my happiness for others?? I do things for myself not for others, I live my life for myself not for others. Now I say I wan to be happy, noone else can spoil that except for myself becoz this is my life.
Be it that I am avoiding problems or what, I just dun feel the need of struggling in a puddle of rain water when it will sooner or later dry up when the sun comes out. And there is no way I can make the puddle of rain water dry out without the sun... struggling in it maybe just makes things worse by spreading it to more areas or bigger puddles.. so I choose to adopt the hack care attitude. I didn't get the best of both worlds becoz utimately both worlds still have flaws that I can't amend. But I shall not let the flaws affect me becoz sooner or later down the road I know it wun be there anymore... why do I have to make myself so unhappy about something which dun even reflect anything 10 yrs down the road?? Like I say before "Some things are just ants swimming in the ocean becoz 10 yrs down the road you dun even remember what happen". Call it avoiding I dun think so ba... call that simple minded... yah maybe I am... Just hide in my bubble with a protective armour where nothing can ever break through and I will be alright. You know just like the show "Bubble Boy" where Adam Sandler hid his life away in a bubble ball? I will just be that... When things happen, just throw it to the dumpster, be quiet, dun talk and carry on with my life... becoz it doesn't concern me much.... becoz I already hack care abt it... it wun affect me anymore becoz I choose not to let it affect me...
In my life, I choose the way I want to be happy... I choose to be happy... take it or leave it...
