I dreamt of the following scenario .............
It was a long boring day and I was alone at home... surfing through the net ... looking through some popular gal's blog (who I dunno and I am not personal frenz with)... there is this new blog entry about the writer meeting up with a guy that she really like... they went on a date today to the seaside.... she was writing about how much she love this guy... how well this guy treat her... how much fun they have together.... and right after the trip to the beach... they went to take neoprints together... she had attached the neoprints to the blog entry.... scrolling down through the pictures.. I saw a familiar face...
I know the guy in the neoprints.. the exact same guy I have spent my life with, the exact same guy I have taken my marriage vows with.... how can it be? Maybe it is just another guy who looks alike... maybe it is not him..... maybe .............
Thoughts flashes through my mind as I continue staring at the neoprints..... he has been coming home late due to work... he said he has been very busy..... he hasnt been spending much time at home even during weekends... we no longer go out together... we no longer eat dinner together..... we no longer have any physical contacts.. but but his work has been busy... i cant blame him for being so busy and tired due to nature of his work can't I?.... I never dare to call or msg him at work... it wouldnt be nice to disturb him when he is so busy handling so many other things.... and i trusted him not to lie or cheat on me.... he said he will never do anything like that.... then who is this guy in the prints then??
Tonight I waited for him to come home.... again he was home late around midnight... the same routine happen tonight as with many other nights.. he went into the shower and then straight to bed... both of us never speak... everything happen in silence... so silent I can hear the wind blowing from the airconditioner.... the room suddenly seem so cold....... and me... I suddenly feel the pangs of loneliness haunting me from the shadows... maybe he is tired from a rough day of work.. in the silence, I finally mustered out the courage to ask... "on XX day & XX mth.. did u go out with ABC gal?" He turned around and stared at me in the eyes... "why did u ask?"... I replied in a shiver "I saw neoprints of you and her on her blog".. he turned on his back.. looking at the ceiling he replied "so you found out................"
My mind turned blank..... I wanted to cry but I can't............. my heart feel cold even though it is already in bits and pieces... that wasnt what I wanted to hear... I wanted to hear the word no... I wanted some comforting words to tell me that he still love me... and he will always do... like in the past.... he promised to love me forever till eternity... he made a promise that nothing of such sorts will ever happen to me... then why is it happening now..?? Did i do something wrong... if not why he love another gal now......... what does the ger have that i dun... why he dun love me anymore... why did he tell me he is busy at work.... we are married... we took the vows to stay with each other through all ups and downs in life, till death do us part... have he forgotten all about that?? why cant he just hug me like in the past and asked me not to think too much.... that everything is going to be ok and alright....
In the midst of my thoughts he said "you should have realised long ago that this marriage is gone.. there are no longer feelings between us... there is no way we can continue living like this anymore u know... why dun we just get a divorce and relieve each other of the heavy load... at least we might be happier... and maybe you will find someone better"... is this the end?? after so many years of marriage... this is all it has come to?? what should I do? what can I do??
I woke up at 4am in the morning in sweat.. even though my air con is switched on at 23 degrees celsius. People say dreams represent fear in real life... in the day whatever you think of, whatever you are afraid of.. it remains in your sub conscious resulting in dreams at night... and yes I do agree to that... because I do have a fear of losing you.... just like someone clinging on to the edge of a cliff... I feel myself clinging on to you...... our occasional conversations involving pretty & beautiful gals with good figures further add on to my insecurity.. resulting in the downs of my confidence level ......... External beauty is something that I do not have and can never provide.... yet I find my inner beauty diminishing with all the negatives thoughts and fears.... questions seem to forever run hrough my head.. how long can I hold you for? will I ever lose you from my side....? will things like that ever happen.. maybe not now.. what about in the future... 10 years, 20 years, 30 years, 40 years down the road?
I guess I will never know the answer till the day I die... but it did make me sleepless for now...
